Long-distance relationships (LDRs) are notoriously challenging to navigate.
This complexity amplifies in ethical non-monogamous (ENM) dynamics, where multiple connections and commitments can heavily influence the decision-making process.
When the time comes to close the physical distance, the inevitable question arises: who should move?
This isn’t just about practicalities—it’s about the delicate balance of love, compromise, and ensuring that everyone in your polycule (or relationship network) feels acknowledged and respected.
Key Takeaways
- Communication is non-negotiable. Transparent, ongoing discussions with all partners are essential.
- Practicality and emotional investment must align. Both logistical factors and emotional readiness should shape the decision.
- Community involvement eases the process. Consulting metamours and others can foster better solutions.
The Weight of the Decision
In traditional monogamous relationships, the decision to relocate often hinges on straightforward factors like career paths, family obligations, or individual preference.
However, in ENM relationships, this decision can feel like an intricate puzzle.
Each partner might have unique ties and responsibilities that complicate things.
One partner may have a nesting partner (a cohabitating, long-term relationship), while another might have local partners or children they are deeply involved with.
A potential move can disrupt these established bonds and routines, making it essential to weigh the emotional impact alongside practical considerations.
Moving isn’t just about relocation—it’s about potentially shifting the entire dynamic of interconnected relationships.
Communication is Key
The cornerstone of any successful ENM relationship is transparent communication.
Before diving into logistics, initiate open and honest conversations with all partners involved.
Transparency isn’t just a courtesy—it’s a necessity.
Ask probing questions like:
- Who currently has the most flexibility to move?
- How will relocating affect other important relationships in your network?
- What can we do to minimize feelings of abandonment or fear of being replaced?
These discussions might be uncomfortable or heavy, but they are essential to maintaining trust and harmony.
In ENM, a decision that appears simple can send ripples across the entire relationship ecosystem.
Every voice deserves to be heard.
Evaluating the Logistics
Sometimes, emotions aren’t the deciding factor—practical realities are.
In relationships, especially in the context of long-distance or ENM, sometimes the emotions tied to a decision can cloud our judgment.
When this happens, it’s often helpful to take a step back and focus on the practical aspects.
The logistics of a move are often a clearer and more objective starting point for making a decision.
These logistical factors can help ground the decision in reality, offering a way forward that might otherwise be overlooked.
Consider critical factors like:
Work and Career Flexibility
Does one partner have a remote job or a career that is transferable across different locations?
For some individuals, their job offers a degree of location independence, meaning that moving won’t affect their career trajectory.
On the other hand, if one partner’s career is rooted in a specific location or requires their physical presence, moving might be a much more complex decision.
Would the other partner struggle to find work in the new location, especially if it’s in a different city or country with a different job market?
In such cases, the financial burden of being out of work could weigh heavily on both partners, adding stress to an already difficult decision.
Family and Dependents
Are there children, co-parents, or elderly family members whose care cannot be disrupted?
If either partner is responsible for dependents, the decision to move involves not just their own needs but also the well-being of these other individuals.
A sudden relocation could affect not only your relationship but also the stability of your family dynamics and the daily routines of your dependents.
Who carries responsibility for these ties?
When one partner is the primary caregiver or responsible for a specific family member, the decision of whether or not to relocate often involves negotiating a shared commitment to those responsibilities.
Financial Stability
Which partner is in a stronger financial position to handle the cost of relocation?
Relocation can be expensive—from moving costs to potential housing market differences, relocation might require a significant financial outlay.
Could moving strain someone’s resources or stability significantly?
Financial stability is often a make-or-break factor when considering relocation. For example, one partner might have the savings to cover the costs of moving and setting up in a new place, while the other may struggle with the financial demands of such a change.
When these practical factors are taken into account, a clear path forward may emerge, even when the emotions surrounding the decision are overwhelming.
Sometimes, the most logical path emerges when you analyze these tangible aspects of your lives.
Emotional Investment and Future Planning in Long-Distance Relationships
Beyond logistics, the emotional weight of moving cannot be ignored.
Relocation isn’t just about practicality—it’s about evaluating commitment levels and future goals.
When deciding whether to make such a significant life change, one must also think about the emotional investment of both partners in the relationship.
Relocation represents a big shift in your lives, and that shift comes with not just practical changes but emotional ones too.
Reflect on questions like:
- Who seems most enthusiastic or ready to make this move?
Sometimes, one partner might feel deeply committed to the idea of living together, seeing it as the next logical step in the relationship.
In contrast, the other might feel less ready, or perhaps feel that their life in the current location is still too fulfilling to leave behind.
- Is one partner hoping to escalate the relationship (like cohabitating), while the other feels less certain?
Moving might signal a desire to move the relationship forward—like moving in together or even taking steps toward building a family.
However, this can also create a power dynamic where one partner feels more invested in this commitment than the other, which can lead to tension or misaligned expectations.
- Could this move shift the balance of power or commitment in ways that need addressing?
If one partner feels more emotionally invested in making the relationship work, that can tip the scale, but it’s essential to check in with how the other feels.
Perhaps one partner views the move as a step forward in the relationship, while the other may have reservations, making it important to align expectations before making a decision.
However, emotional investment must still align with practical reality to create lasting harmony.
If both partners are emotionally invested but the logistics don’t align, this could lead to more strain in the future.
Ultimately, you want to ensure that the emotional commitment matches the practical capacity for change.
Temporary Moves and Trial Periods
If the decision feels too heavy to finalize, consider temporary solutions.
If both partners feel unsure about the full commitment, suggesting a trial period can offer a low-risk opportunity to test the waters.
Perhaps one partner could temporarily relocate for a few months to see how they adapt to the new environment, without fully committing to a permanent change.
This low-risk approach can help you test the waters without full commitment.
It can also allow you to assess how the change will impact your daily lives, your emotional well-being, and your relationship dynamic.
Afterward, revisit the decision with fresh insight.
Once the trial period is over, take the time to reflect on the experience and discuss what worked and what didn’t.
This can provide clarity on whether the move is truly a good idea or if it’s better to go back to the original plan.
Alternatively, explore hybrid solutions such as splitting time between locations.
Perhaps one partner stays in the current location while the other spends time moving back and forth between both places.
This approach can offer compromise and a smoother transition, allowing each partner to maintain connections in both places while seeing how the relocation works in the long term.
Though not a permanent fix, this could ease the burden of transition and offer a smoother path forward.
The goal of any temporary move should be to assess whether a permanent relocation is realistic without making any lasting commitments right away.
Involving the Community
In ENM, relationships extend beyond two individuals.
In non-monogamous contexts, the decision to move isn’t just about two partners—it affects the broader relationship web.
The dynamics of metamours, friends, and even acquaintances should be considered when thinking about relocation, as their support, opinions, and needs also matter.
The decision of who should move inherently affects others in the relationship web.
Involving metamours (partners of your partner) and other connections in the discussion can help everyone feel heard and valued.
They might propose creative solutions—like rotating visits or shared housing arrangements—that you hadn’t considered.
By including others in the conversation, you open up space for alternative and more flexible options that work for everyone involved.
For example, if one partner is moving, the other may suggest that the decision be reversed at a later date or explore options where the distance is managed in a way that maintains the integrity of the relationship.
By treating this as a community conversation, you ensure that all voices are acknowledged and that the broader network of care remains intact.
In ENM, ensuring the stability of the broader community is just as important as the relationship between the two individuals involved.
Accepting the Outcome
Ultimately, regardless of who relocates, there will likely be sacrifices involved.
Moving is rarely an easy decision and often involves compromises—whether it’s leaving behind loved ones, communities, or personal comfort zones.
Moving can stir feelings of loss—whether it’s leaving behind a beloved community or reshaping relationship dynamics.
Even if the move ultimately brings you closer to a partner, it may still involve leaving behind friends, family, or a place you’ve come to feel rooted in.
At the same time, relocation can spark excitement and growth in new environments.
Though leaving behind familiar surroundings can be difficult, relocating can also bring the chance to explore new cities, meet new people, and grow as an individual.
It’s vital to hold space for both grief and anticipation.
The process of moving is emotionally complex and can stir both sadness and hope—it’s essential to validate both emotions and find balance between them.
Acknowledge that the process is layered and that conflicting emotions can coexist.
The transition might feel overwhelming at times, but it’s also an opportunity for growth and transformation.
The best decisions are those that balance individual happiness with the collective health and stability of the relationship network.
Ultimately, it’s about considering how the move affects both individuals and the broader web of relationships involved.
Final Thoughts
Closing the gap in LDRs within ENM is far from easy.
Navigating the complexities of long-distance relationships within non-monogamous frameworks requires understanding and patience.
Yet, with compassion, open communication, and mutual respect, the journey can foster deeper intimacy and connection for everyone involved.
Taking the time to evaluate all factors—both emotional and logistical—will help ensure that the decision is well-rounded and serves the best interests of both individuals and the broader community.
FAQ on Moving in a Long-Distance Relationship
How do you handle jealousy if one partner moves closer to another partner?
Jealousy can naturally arise when proximity changes within an ENM relationship.
To address this, prioritize reassurance and quality time with the affected partner.
Create clear boundaries and rituals that help maintain connection and trust.
Openly discuss feelings without judgment, and remind each other that closeness doesn’t diminish the value of other relationships.
What if both partners feel equally unable to relocate?
If neither partner can move, explore alternative solutions such as frequent visits or meeting halfway.
Consider job adjustments, extended vacations, or even shared housing in a neutral city.
Sometimes, maintaining the status quo until circumstances change is the best solution.
How do you keep the relationship strong if moving isn’t an option for a long time?
Prioritize consistent communication through video calls, texts, and virtual dates.
Plan regular visits when feasible, and engage in shared activities online to stay connected.
Building a routine of emotional intimacy sustains the relationship even when physical distance persists.
What role does hierarchy play in deciding who moves in a non-hierarchical ENM dynamic?
In non-hierarchical ENM, decisions aren’t based on primary versus secondary partners.
Focus on who can move with the least disruption and involve everyone in collaborative decision-making.
Equality and mutual respect should guide the process.
How can you prepare emotionally for the transition after moving?
Acknowledge that moving is emotionally complex.
Allow space for grief and adjustment while also celebrating the new chapter.
Engage in self-care, therapy, or community support to navigate the transition smoothly.
Anna is an anthropologist with a passion for Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) and gender and sexuality studies. Through ENM Living, she shares research-based insights and informative content to help others explore and navigate alternative relationship models. Anna is dedicated to creating an inclusive space that celebrates love in all its forms and supports those navigating the complexities of ENM.
