Yes/No/Maybe List for Couples: How to Use One in ENM

A yes/no/maybe list is one of the simplest tools for talking about boundaries and desires without the conversation feeling like an interrogation. You go through a list of activities and situations, mark each one yes, no or maybe, then compare answers with your partner. In ethical non-monogamy, where there is more to agree on, it can save you a lot of guessing.

This guide explains what a yes/no/maybe list is, what to put on one for ENM, how to fill it in together, and how to talk about the answers that don’t match.

What is a yes/no/maybe list?

It’s a checklist where every item gets one of three answers:

• Yes: I’m comfortable with this or would like it.
• No: this is a firm boundary for me right now.
• Maybe: I’m unsure, curious, or would need to talk about it first.

The “maybe” is what makes it useful. Many of the most important conversations in a relationship sit in that grey area, and a list gives you a gentle way to name it instead of pretending everything is a clear yes or no.

Why it works so well in ENM

In a monogamous relationship, a yes/no/maybe list is often only about sex. In open relationships and polyamory there are more moving parts: other partners, metamours, schedules, sexual health agreements, how much you share and what your friends and family know. Assumptions about any of these can quietly cause hurt.

A list helps because it’s concrete. Instead of “are you okay with me dating?” you talk about specific things, such as overnight stays, meeting metamours or posting about other partners online. It also separates the two jobs of knowing what you want and negotiating together. If you’re not sure how boundaries differ from rules, our guide to the difference between rules and boundaries is a good place to start.

What to include on an ENM yes/no/maybe list

Group items into areas so the list doesn’t feel overwhelming. Here are areas worth covering, with a few examples of each:

Communication and emotional boundaries

• Sharing details about other partners
• Knowing about a partner’s dates in advance
• Being told when a partner develops feelings for someone else
• Receiving reassurance when you feel insecure

Physical and sexual boundaries

• Kissing others in public
• Sex in shared spaces, such as your bed or home
• Using barriers with other partners
• Regular STI testing and sharing results

Time and scheduling

• Overnight stays with other partners
• Holidays and special occasions
• Last-minute plan changes
• Using a shared calendar

Metamours, family and social life

• Meeting your partner’s other partners
• Being open about ENM with friends, family or at work
• Bringing more than one partner to events
• Introducing partners to children

Digital life, privacy and money

• Posting about relationships on social media
• Sharing phone passwords
• Living with or sharing finances with a partner

Always leave space for your own items. Every relationship has things a ready-made list won’t think of.

How to use a yes/no/maybe list with your partner

1. Fill it in on your own. Use a separate copy each so your answers aren’t shaped by what you think the other person wants to see.
2. Answer for how you feel now. Not how you think you should feel, and not how you felt a year ago.
3. Agree one ground rule before you compare: no answer is wrong, and nobody has to justify a no.
4. Compare and sort. Put your answers into three groups: matches, differences and maybes.
5. Talk, then write down what you agree. A short list of agreements, with a date to check in again, prevents confusion later.

How to talk about the answers that don’t match

Matches

Celebrate them. Shared yeses are things you can enjoy with confidence, and shared nos are boundaries you both already hold.

Differences

When one of you says yes and the other says no, slow down. The goal is to understand, not to persuade. Try questions like:

• “You marked no for overnight stays. Can you tell me more about what makes you feel that way?”
• “What would you need to feel safe with this?”
• “Is this a no for now, or a no for good?”

Avoid phrases that pressure, such as “other people do this all the time” or “can’t you just try it for me?” A no is a complete answer.

Maybes

A maybe usually means “I need more information, reassurance or time.” Ask what would make it a yes or a no, and consider a smaller first step you can both check in about afterwards. A maybe is never permission, so always ask before acting on one.

For more on keeping these conversations calm, see how to have difficult conversations with your partner.

Common mistakes to avoid

• Filling it in together from the start. It’s hard to be honest with someone watching.
• Treating it as a contract. It’s a snapshot of how you feel today, not a promise forever.
• Skipping the non-sexual sections. In ENM, time, communication and privacy cause as much friction as sex does.
• Never revisiting it. New partners, moving in together or a breakup can all change your answers.

Get the printable worksheet

If you’d like a ready-made version, the ENM Living Yes/No/Maybe Worksheet includes 131 items across nine areas, space for your own items, a side-by-side “Me” and “Partner” grid, a discussion guide with phrases that help, an agreements page and a tracker for revisiting your answers. For deeper work on boundaries, the polyamory boundary checklist is a good companion.