Couple privilege is a pervasive, yet often unacknowledged, advantage that society bestows upon couples—especially those in traditional monogamous relationships.
This privilege gives couples access to societal, emotional, and even legal benefits that are typically unavailable to single individuals or those engaged in non-traditional relationship structures like polyamory or ethical non-monogamy (ENM).
In the context of ENM, recognizing and addressing couple privilege is critical for fostering inclusive and equitable relationship dynamics.
Key Takeaways
- Couple privilege gives unrecognized advantages to monogamous couples over singles or non-monogamous people.
- Addressing couple privilege is essential for creating equity, especially in non-monogamous communities.
- Acknowledging and redistributing couple privilege promotes fairness in all relationship dynamics.
What is (and isn’t) Couple Privilege?
Couple privilege refers to the advantages that couples—particularly monogamous ones—receive within society.
This form of privilege is often subtle and goes unnoticed by those who benefit from it, yet its impact can be significant.
Couples, especially those in monogamous relationships, enjoy preferential treatment in many areas of life, including social expectations, legal rights, and emotional support.
This privilege is most visible through societal validation and legal benefits like tax breaks, healthcare rights, and inheritance laws, which are typically granted to monogamous couples.
However, the concept of privilege itself is often misunderstood. It’s important to note that privilege is not about personal actions, thoughts, or feelings.
It doesn’t stem from things individuals have done or said, and it doesn’t imply taking advantage of others.
Privilege is about how society accommodates certain groups, making their experiences seem “normal” while others are often seen as deviations. It isn’t a matter of fault, nor can it be balanced out by hardships one might face in life.
Privilege isn’t inherently bad; it simply reflects systemic advantages that some receive by virtue of their social status.
In this context, couple privilege refers to the societal and legal preference given to couples, particularly those in monogamous relationships.
This is especially evident for married, engaged, or cohabiting partners.
These couples are often openly recognized by society, with their relationships treated as the standard.
Even in polyamorous communities, where individuals may openly acknowledge multiple relationships, the “primary” couple often receives more societal recognition and benefits.
This favoritism can create power imbalances, making it more difficult for non-monogamous individuals or those in alternative relationship structures to access similar social and economic advantages.
The Role of Couple Privilege in Non-Monogamous Relationships
In ethical non-monogamy, couple privilege can introduce unique difficulties, especially when one or more partners come from an established monogamous relationship.
Non-monogamous individuals often face societal pressure to conform to monogamous ideals, which can marginalize their relationship models.
Additionally, in polyamorous or open relationships, couple privilege may create implicit hierarchies that prioritize the needs of primary partners over those of secondary or newer partners.
How Couple Privilege Shows Up in ENM Dynamics
Emotional Privilege
Primary couples may have more emotional influence or be the first to receive support from family and friends, leaving other partners to feel less valued or sidelined.
Time and Resources
Established couples may have more time and resources allocated to them, often leaving other partners with less time or attention.
Social Visibility
Monogamous couples are more socially visible and accepted, which may make non-monogamous relationships less recognized or legitimized.
The Impact of Couple Privilege on ENM Relationships
Couple privilege often manifests in subtle, yet significant ways within non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships.
Recognizing these patterns is crucial for addressing them and fostering healthier, more equitable connections between all partners.
Relationship Priority
One of the most common ways couple privilege shows up is in the prioritization of the primary relationship.
This can lead to an imbalance where newer relationships are sacrificed in order to “fix” or preserve the established one, even if the issues lie with the primary relationship.
This dynamic can be unfair to secondary partners and creates an unhealthy cycle of instability.
Relationship and Individual Validity
Society often places a higher value on long-term, cohabiting relationships, assuming them to be more “real” or legitimate.
This societal bias can lead to secondary relationships feeling invalidated or overlooked, creating tension and feelings of inadequacy.
Even within the non-monogamous community, those in newer or secondary relationships may struggle with this external pressure to prove the “realness” of their connections.
Rules and Boundaries
Couple privilege is also seen in the creation of rules that disproportionately affect secondary partners.
For example, primary couples may set boundaries around sexual activities, time commitments, or even emotional expressions that are not equally applied to all partners.
Secondary partners may feel restricted or undervalued when these rules are imposed without consideration for their own needs and desires.
How to Recognize Couple Privilege in ENM
To mitigate the effects of couple privilege, it’s crucial to recognize how it manifests in polyamorous and non-monogamous relationships.
Some common signs of couple privilege include:
- Exclusivity Rules: Established couples may set rules that prioritize their bond, such as demanding special treatment, veto power over new relationships, or emotional exclusivity.
These rules often create an imbalance where secondary partners are expected to follow guidelines without having the same level of input.
- Emotional Overload: In many cases, secondary partners may feel their emotional needs are secondary to those of the primary couple.
This can be exacerbated by external support networks, like mutual friends and family, who often focus more on the established couple, leaving the other partners feeling unsupported.
- Unbalanced Time Distribution: The primary couple often dominates social schedules or decision-making processes, leading to secondary partners feeling excluded or undervalued.
This imbalance can cause frustration and a sense of neglect among those who don’t share the same level of visibility or access to resources.
By acknowledging these issues and actively working to address them, partners can create more balanced, respectful, and fulfilling relationships where everyone’s needs are recognized and valued.
Open communication and empathy are key to minimizing the negative impact of couple privilege in non-monogamous dynamics.
Example of Couple Privilege in a Polyamorous Situation
Emily and Sarah have been together for five years and decide to open their relationship. After a few months, Emily starts dating someone new, and they hit it off.
They make plans to go on a fun weekend trip to a nearby beach town.
A few days before the trip, Emily reaches out to say that they can still go, but not to the beach town.
When Emily told Sarah about the plans, Sarah became upset because it was always their dream to visit that specific beach together. Now, they feel they need to go there first before Emily can go with their new partner.
At this point, Emily and their new partner have been dating for six months. The new partner has no other relationships and has had two STI screenings.
They also express wanting to become more intimate without using condoms, but Sarah insists that she and Emily should be the only ones to have that kind of intimacy. Sarah says that Emily and the new partner must continue using condoms.
Although Emily and their new partner are in love and want to spend more time together, Sarah asserts that Emily must prioritize their relationship.
Sarah even says that if Emily continues seeing the new partner, she’ll need to break up with them.
This scenario illustrates couple privilege.
Sarah, as Emily’s long-term partner, holds more power in dictating the boundaries and priorities within Emily’s other relationships.
It’s as if Emily’s relationship with their new partner is secondary, or even disposable, simply because Sarah’s needs and desires take precedence.
While polyamory often encourages open communication and mutual respect, couple privilege can create imbalances and hurt feelings when established couples make decisions for new partners.
In real-world polyamory, many people aren’t necessarily looking for just one partner or a nesting partner, but they also don’t want to be kept secret or treated as secondary to someone else’s primary relationship.
Even with clear agreements, rules like “no intimacy” or “no strong feelings” might look good on paper but often break down when real emotions and New Relationship Energy (NRE) come into play.
For those in polyamorous relationships, it’s crucial to be ready for real, full relationships where boundaries will evolve and change.
If a person isn’t willing to adjust as new dynamics unfold, then they might not be fully prepared for the complexities of polyamory.
Understanding Couple Privilege vs. Hierarchy in Relationships
When discussing relationship dynamics, it’s essential to distinguish between couple privilege and hierarchy. While the two can overlap, they are distinct concepts.
Couple privilege refers to the benefits that society grants to couples, particularly monogamous ones, based on the visibility and assumed permanence of their relationship.
This privilege is often unspoken but affects many areas, from social validation to legal benefits.
On the other hand, hierarchy in relationships refers to the prioritization of one relationship over another, which can be influenced both by societal norms and personal preferences.
Hierarchy isn’t inherently about privilege; it’s about the level of priority a person places on different relationships.
While a couple may enforce a hierarchical structure, this doesn’t necessarily mean they are utilizing societal privilege; it’s often about personal choices in how relationships are valued.
Nesting Privilege and Shared Resources
Another aspect closely related to couple privilege is nesting privilege—the benefits gained from living together and sharing resources, such as time, space, and finances.
This situation arises when partners cohabit, and by doing so, they often have more access to each other, both emotionally and physically, due to practicalities like shared living arrangements.
Though this advantage isn’t inherently problematic, it can become exploitative if used to overpower other relationships.
The Relationship Escalator and Couple Privilege
The relationship escalator—a societal model that pushes couples toward long-term goals like marriage and children—can further exacerbate couple privilege.
The escalator metaphor suggests that relationships move through stages, often culminating in a monogamous marriage, with fewer or no spaces for non-monogamous relationships to flourish.
For those who are climbing the escalator, this can place other relationships in a precarious position, as the primary relationship gains priority over others.
While many elements of couple privilege are natural and not necessarily harmful, it’s important to recognize when they are being used to maintain imbalances in non-monogamous relationships.
Acknowledging this privilege allows for more inclusive and equitable relationship practices, ensuring that all partnerships—regardless of their hierarchy—are valued and respected.
How to Address Couple Privilege in ENM Relationships and Communities
Recognizing and addressing couple privilege is essential for fostering equitable dynamics in non-monogamous relationships and communities.
Couple privilege can manifest in various ways, including emotional support, time allocation, and societal validation, and it affects people differently based on factors like gender, sexual orientation, race, and economic status.
Actively challenging this privilege requires ongoing effort, reflection, and open dialogue.
Below are practical strategies to create fairer, more inclusive environments in both personal relationships and broader ENM communities.
Open and Transparent Communication
Clear, honest communication is foundational in addressing couple privilege. Regular check-ins with all partners provide opportunities to discuss feelings of neglect, exclusion, and any perceived imbalances.
Ask questions like:
- “Do you feel your needs are being met?”
- “Are there moments when you feel unequal in this dynamic?”
- “Is there any unspoken hierarchy between me and others that feels uncomfortable?”
Encouraging open dialogue ensures everyone feels heard and valued, helping to address any unintentional privilege.
Reaffirming Equal Relationships and Redistributing Privileges
In non-monogamous settings, it’s vital that all partners—whether primary or secondary—are treated as equals.
This includes ensuring that no one partner’s needs take precedence over another’s.
Fair agreements around time, emotional support, and decision-making should be in place.
Additionally, couples should actively redistribute time, resources, and emotional labor to ensure no one partner is favored.
Primary couples must be aware of their implicit power and work to create space where all partners feel valued and acknowledged.
Transparent Consent and Negotiation
Transparent consent is key in addressing couple privilege.
Establish clear guidelines around time management, emotional support, and sexual boundaries that respect everyone’s needs.
These agreements should be flexible and revisited as relationship dynamics evolve.
For example, if one partner is consistently prioritized in terms of time or emotional energy, it’s crucial to make intentional efforts to acknowledge and support other partners equally.
Fostering Inclusivity and Advocating for Change
Beyond personal relationships, fostering inclusivity within ENM communities requires pushing back against norms that favor monogamous relationships.
By validating and supporting all types of relationships, ENM communities can challenge societal pressures that uphold couple privilege.
This also involves advocating for legal and social changes that recognize diverse partnership and family structures, ensuring all forms of relationships are respected and supported.
Be Open to Feedback and Adapt
Addressing couple privilege is an ongoing process.
Regularly solicit feedback from partners about their experiences, and be willing to adjust relationship dynamics as needed.
Acknowledge that mistakes may happen, but continual reflection and adaptation help foster a healthier, more equitable environment. Encourage partners to speak up if they feel marginalized, ensuring a safe space for open expression.
By incorporating these strategies, individuals and ENM communities can actively work to reduce couple privilege, creating a more inclusive and supportive environment for all relationship types.
Couple Privilege and Social Hierarchies
Couple privilege is not isolated; it intersects with broader social hierarchies, including gender, race, and economic status.
For example:
- Gender and Sexual Orientation: Couple privilege is often tied to heteronormativity. Monogamous heterosexual couples have historically been afforded the most social acceptance, which can marginalize same-sex couples or non-binary individuals.
- Economic Factors: Economic disparities can compound the effects of couple privilege. For instance, economically privileged couples may have more access to resources, while disadvantaged couples might struggle with limited social and legal support.
- Racial Considerations: Race also plays a significant role in how couple privilege manifests. White couples often face fewer barriers to societal acceptance and legal recognition than couples from marginalized racial backgrounds.
By acknowledging these intersections, ENM communities can better understand the complexities of couple privilege and work towards creating more inclusive and just relationships.
How Couple Privilege Affects Diverse Communities
Couple privilege impacts people differently based on intersecting identities like gender, sexual orientation, race, and economic status.
These factors shape how individuals experience privilege or marginalization in non-monogamous relationships.
Gender and Sexual Orientation
Cisgender heterosexual couples often receive social acceptance without challenge, while queer and transgender individuals face marginalization.
Transgender or gender non-conforming partners may experience compounded couple privilege when cisgender partners are prioritized socially, invalidating their own identities.
Race and Ethnicity
White couples tend to receive more societal validation for non-monogamous practices compared to people of color, such as BIPOC individuals, who may face stigma due to stereotypes and racism.
This dynamic can reinforce racial hierarchies, with white partners often being treated as “primary” while BIPOC partners’ needs may be overlooked.
Economic Status
Economic privilege plays a role in couple privilege, as financially stable partners have access to more resources, time, and social acceptance.
Those with fewer financial resources may face barriers to openly engaging in non-monogamy and may experience economic consequences for their relationship choices, making their needs less visible in ENM dynamics.
FAQ on Couple Privilege
The sections below address specific queries related to the dynamics and challenges of non-monogamous relationships, with a focus on understanding and handling couple privilege effectively.
What are common manifestations of preferential treatment in a relationship involving more than two people?
In polyamorous relationships, couple privilege can appear when an established couple sets rules that prioritize their needs over a new partner’s, such as exclusivity in certain activities or decision-making power that isn’t extended to the additional individual.
How does identifying and addressing privilege impact the dynamics of a polyamorous relationship?
Recognizing couple privilege is vital because it can lead to more equitable relationships. Addressing this promotes open communication, understanding, and the revision of rules or behaviors that might disadvantage someone.
What are some guidelines for maintaining equality and fairness in relationships with multiple partners?
Maintaining equality requires all individuals to voice their needs and boundaries and for these to be respected. Clear agreements, flexibility in evolving relationship structures, and fairness in time management can help maintain balance among multiple partners.
How do individuals within a throuple navigate relationship equity, and what challenges might arise?
In a throuple, challenges like jealousy and allocation of attention can arise. Navigating these requires ongoing dialogue, mutual respect, and willingness to adjust agreements to ensure each person feels valued and heard.
In what ways can the concept of ‘unicorn hunting’ be related to inequality among partners in a relationship?
‘Unicorn hunting’ refers to a couple seeking a third person who often encounters unequal treatment. This can exacerbate inequality as the ‘unicorn’ may feel less influence or importance in the relationship.
What statistics or studies have been conducted on the success rates of polyamorous relationships?
Studies and statistics on polyamorous relationships are still emerging. Preliminary research indicates varying success rates, often tied to the level of communication, consent, and emotional maturity of all involved parties.
