When it comes to Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), there are many relationship structures that individuals and partners may choose to embrace.
Some of these structures are based on complete transparency and open communication, while others may involve less sharing of details about one’s relationships with others.
One such structure, often debated within the ENM community, is the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) approach.
But what exactly does DADT in ENM mean, and why is it such a controversial topic?
Key Takeaways
- DADT in ENM prioritizes the privacy of each partner’s external relationships.
- By not disclosing details, partners may avoid potential jealousy or discomfort.
- The agreement relies on mutual trust and respect for each partner’s autonomy.
What is DADT in ENM?
The term “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) originally stems from a military policy in the United States, that prohibited openly LGBTQ+ individuals from serving in the military.
Under this policy, soldiers were not required to disclose their sexual orientation, and commanders were not allowed to ask.
The policy was eventually repealed, but the term continues to resonate in various other contexts, including Ethical Non-Monogamy.
In the context of ENM, DADT refers to a mutual agreement between partners where they choose not to ask about each other’s romantic or sexual relationships with other people, and do not voluntarily share those details unless the other party asks.
Simply put, it is an agreement to not discuss or enquire about the specifics of each other’s connections with others.
For example, in a DADT relationship, one partner may be dating other people or having casual sex outside of the primary relationship but will avoid sharing the details (names, experiences, etc.) with their primary partner unless asked.
Likewise, the primary partner does not ask about or expect to know details about these encounters.
The goal is to allow both individuals to explore their other relationships without the pressure or discomfort of sharing those specifics.
Why Do Some People Choose DADT in ENM?
There are several reasons why couples in ENM might adopt a DADT approach:
Avoiding Jealousy and Emotional Overload
For some, knowing the details of their partner’s other relationships can lead to feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or emotional overwhelm.
A DADT policy can help reduce these feelings by limiting the information that could potentially cause distress.
Maintaining Boundaries and Privacy
Some partners prefer to keep certain aspects of their relationships private.
A DADT agreement allows for a boundary where each person maintains their privacy and does not feel obligated to share personal details they deem unnecessary or uncomfortable.
Preventing Comparisons
In relationships where one partner is dating multiple people, it’s common to avoid comparing relationships.
DADT can help by keeping the focus on the primary partnership without needing to measure it against secondary connections.
Fostering Trust and Respect
In certain ENM dynamics, DADT can be seen as an act of respect and trust.
The idea is that each person trusts the other to handle their relationships with integrity without needing to micromanage every interaction or feeling the need to disclose every detail.
The Pros and Cons of DADT in ENM
While DADT works for some couples, it’s important to examine both the benefits and potential drawbacks of this arrangement.
Pros:
Reduced Emotional Stress: Some partners find that by avoiding constant discussions of their other relationships, they can focus on the core of their primary relationship and avoid unnecessary emotional conflict.
Preservation of Privacy: In an age where personal lives can often feel overexposed, DADT offers a way to preserve privacy without sacrificing connection and intimacy.
Encourages Freedom: DADT allows partners the freedom to explore their desires and connections with others without feeling they need to justify or explain every aspect of those relationships.
Cons:
Potential for Miscommunication: DADT can sometimes create a lack of communication or transparency in the relationship. Without discussing feelings or concerns, partners may assume everything is fine when issues (like jealousy or emotional discomfort) could be festering beneath the surface.
Resentment or Deception: If one partner feels they are being kept in the dark or lied to, they may experience feelings of resentment or distrust. This can create a divide between partners if not handled carefully.
Not for Everyone: Some people in ENM relationships prefer to know details about their partner’s other relationships, believing that openness fosters a deeper connection and strengthens trust. For these individuals, DADT may feel like a wall between them and their partner.
Is DADT Ethical in ENM?
The ethics of DADT in ENM largely depend on the individuals involved and their unique relationship agreements.
In theory, if both partners agree to the DADT arrangement and are honest about their boundaries and desires, then it can be a perfectly ethical approach.
However, as with any relationship dynamic, communication is key.
DADT does not mean that one partner is lying or cheating; it simply means they have agreed not to discuss certain aspects of their lives.
As long as consent is mutual and both parties are comfortable with the arrangement, DADT can work in an ethical non-monogamous framework.
However, it’s essential for partners to regularly check in with each other to ensure that no one feels neglected or unfulfilled.
DADT vs. Other ENM Models
DADT is just one of many models in the ENM community.
Some individuals may prefer a more open and communicative approach, where all details about secondary relationships are shared and discussed openly.
Others might practice polyamory or relationship anarchy, where honesty, vulnerability, and communication are prioritized, and every relationship is treated as equally important.
It’s important to remember that the key to any successful ENM arrangement is clear communication about boundaries, expectations, and consent.
If both partners are happy with the DADT model, then it can work well. However, it should never be imposed on one partner without their consent.
Final Thoughts
The “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” approach in Ethical Non-Monogamy can be a helpful tool for some individuals and couples seeking to explore non-monogamy without diving into the details of each other’s secondary relationships.
For others, it may feel too restrictive or dishonest.
As with any relationship model, the ethical approach is based on mutual respect, consent, and communication.
It’s essential for partners to have ongoing conversations about their needs, boundaries, and feelings, ensuring that everyone is on the same page and feels supported.
Ultimately, the key to successful ENM is that all parties feel heard, respected, and valued, whether that involves DADT or a more open sharing of relationship details.
FAQ On the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Agreement
Is a DADT agreement suitable for all non-monogamous relationships?
No, a DADT agreement is not suitable for everyone. It works best for couples who are confident in their communication and trust, and who prefer to keep certain aspects of their external relationships private. It’s essential for both partners to agree on and feel comfortable with this arrangement.
How does a DADT agreement impact emotional intimacy in a relationship?
A DADT agreement can impact emotional intimacy in different ways. For some, maintaining privacy can help protect the primary relationship from jealousy and conflict, thereby preserving emotional closeness. For others, the lack of transparency might create a sense of emotional distance. Regular check-ins and honest communication about the agreement itself can help mitigate negative impacts on intimacy.
What should we do if a DADT agreement is no longer working for us?
If a DADT agreement is no longer serving your relationship, it’s important to discuss your feelings openly and honestly. You might consider revising the agreement, exploring other forms of non-monogamy, or seeking guidance from a relationship counselor experienced in ethical non-monogamy. The key is to ensure both partners feel heard, respected, and satisfied with the arrangement.
