If you wonder, “How often do dismissive avoidants come back?”, you are not alone. When it comes to romantic connections, understanding attachment styles can provide valuable insights—especially if you’ve found yourself in the orbit of a dismissive-avoidant.
Dismissive avoidants, known for their fierce independence and emotional distance, often leave their partners feeling perplexed.
In the context of Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), where openness and communication are cornerstones, this attachment style presents unique challenges.
If a dismissive-avoidant partner has pulled away—or even ended the relationship—it’s natural to wonder: Will they ever come back?
Their deep-seated preference for self-sufficiency and their aversion to emotional vulnerability can make the idea of rekindling a connection feel uncertain at best.
Yet, dismissive avoidants are not entirely closed off to the possibility of return.
By unpacking their behavioral patterns and understanding their emotional triggers, we can explore how this attachment style might navigate separation and reconnection, especially in the dynamic world of ENM.
Let’s dive in and uncover what might lead a dismissive avoidant to return—or not.
Key Takeaways
- Dismissive avoidants may struggle with intimacy, influencing their behavior post-breakup.
- Emotional responses of dismissive avoidants can be complex and evolve over time.
- Understanding their attachment style aids in navigating potential reconnection.
Who Are Dismissive Avoidants?
Dismissive avoidants are individuals with an attachment style that prioritizes emotional distance and independence.
They often believe that self-reliance is their greatest strength, downplaying the importance of relationships in their lives.
For a dismissive avoidant, vulnerability can feel like a dangerous loss of control.
They may view emotional intimacy not as a connection to cherish, but as a weakness to avoid.
This creates a dynamic where they keep others at arm’s length, never fully letting anyone in.
In traditional monogamous relationships, this can manifest as a partner who seems emotionally unavailable or detached.
In the world of Ethical Non-Monogamy, this attachment style might become even more noticeable.
Because ENM encourages multiple connections, dismissive avoidants may use these multiple partnerships to spread their emotional energy thin.
This helps them avoid forming deep, emotionally vulnerable bonds.
Instead of using ENM as a space to foster healthy intimacy and trust, they might lean on it as a way to maintain their independence.
While ENM is designed to celebrate autonomy, dismissive avoidants may take this to an extreme, avoiding emotional closeness even when it’s safe and supported.
Why Do Dismissive Avoidants Step Back?
In the context of ENM, dismissive avoidants might step back from relationships for a variety of reasons.
Here are the most common ones:
Overwhelmed by Emotional Closeness
Even within the non-monogamous structure, which values autonomy and independence, emotional closeness can feel overwhelming for a dismissive-avoidant.
If they perceive a relationship as requiring too much emotional labor, they may retreat to regain their sense of balance.
This isn’t necessarily about the person they’re connected to—it’s about their internal capacity to manage closeness.
The closer they feel to someone, the more suffocating the connection might become for them.
Stepping back allows them to protect their emotional space, even if it comes at the cost of the relationship.
Fear of Dependence
Dismissive avoidants often harbor a deep-seated fear of mutual dependence.
They don’t like the idea of relying on someone else, nor do they feel comfortable with others relying on them.
This fear stems from their attachment style, which sees dependence as a vulnerability to be avoided.
In ENM, where emotional interdependence can still occur across multiple connections, this fear might be even more pronounced.
The idea of someone expecting emotional availability across various dynamics could push them to withdraw to protect their sense of self.
Conflicts Within ENM Structures
While ENM is built on the principles of flexibility and freedom, even these dynamics can come with misunderstandings or unclear boundaries.
If a dismissive avoidant feels that an ENM structure is becoming too rigid or demanding, they might perceive it as a threat to their independence.
This could happen if:
- They feel pressured to maintain emotional engagement with multiple partners.
- They interpret rules or boundaries as controlling or restrictive.
In such cases, their natural response is to step back or withdraw entirely.
It’s Not Personal
When a dismissive avoidant steps back, it’s rarely a reflection of the other person or the value of the relationship.
It’s a defense mechanism designed to preserve their emotional safety and independence.
Unfortunately, this retreat can leave their partners feeling hurt, confused, or rejected.
Understanding that their behavior stems from their attachment style, rather than a personal slight, can make the situation easier to navigate.
Dismissive avoidants are complex, and their behavior often reflects a deep internal struggle between a desire for connection and a need to maintain emotional autonomy.
By recognizing these patterns, you can better understand their motivations and make more informed choices about how to move forward in the relationship.
Do They Come Back?
The short answer is: sometimes, but not always.
Dismissive avoidants don’t operate on the same emotional wavelengths as those with more secure attachment styles.
Their tendency to retreat when faced with emotional vulnerability often means they’ll only return under specific conditions.
To understand the likelihood of a dismissive avoidant coming back, it’s essential to look at the factors that might influence their decision.
Here are a few scenarios where they are more likely to return:
They’ve Had Time to Reflect
Dismissive avoidants require space—not just physically, but emotionally and mentally—to process their feelings.
This space allows them to step back from the perceived intensity of the relationship and regain their sense of autonomy.
During this period of reflection, they might begin to recognize the value of the connection they had with you.
This recognition can lead them to reconsider and reach out, especially if they feel the relationship was fulfilling without being overly demanding.
However, this process can take time, so patience is critical.
Pushing them to reflect faster or pressuring them during this period can have the opposite effect.
The Dynamic Felt Respectful
ENM relationships thrive on mutual respect, open communication, and autonomy—all values that dismissive avoidants deeply appreciate.
If your dynamic honored their need for independence and didn’t overwhelm them with emotional demands, they are more likely to feel safe returning.
This means they need to feel that their boundaries were respected and their autonomy valued, even when the relationship faced challenges.
In contrast, if they felt pressured or controlled, their instinct will likely be to stay away.
You Didn’t Chase Them
One of the paradoxes of dealing with dismissive avoidants is that the less you pursue them, the more likely they are to reconsider the connection.
When a dismissive avoidant withdraws, chasing them can trigger their defensive mechanisms.
This makes them feel trapped or controlled, reinforcing their desire to maintain distance.
By giving them the freedom to step back without interference, you create an environment where they might feel comfortable re-entering on their own terms.
This isn’t about playing games; it’s about respecting their need for space while protecting your own emotional energy.
However, even if a dismissive avoidant does come back, it’s important to manage your expectations.
They are unlikely to return ready to dive into deep emotional waters.
Instead, their return might come with caveats, requiring patience, understanding, and a willingness to navigate their attachment patterns.
What to Do If They Come Back
If a dismissive avoidant returns, the way you handle the situation can make all the difference in rebuilding the connection.
Here’s how to approach it thoughtfully:
Assess Your Own Needs
Before anything else, take time to reflect on what you truly need from the relationship.
Ask yourself:
- Are you okay with the kind of connection a dismissive avoidant is capable of offering?
- Do their patterns of emotional availability align with your expectations in an ENM dynamic?
Being honest with yourself is crucial, as it helps you avoid falling into a cycle of unmet needs or frustration.
If their level of emotional intimacy doesn’t work for you, it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being.
Establish Boundaries
When they come back, it’s essential to set clear boundaries about what you need.
Discuss expectations around communication, transparency, and emotional connection in the relationship.
Dismissive avoidants might struggle with these aspects, so being upfront and calm about your needs is key.
For example, you might say:
- “I understand your need for space, but I also need consistent communication to feel secure.”
- “It’s important to me that we both commit to clear and respectful dialogue about our needs.”
These boundaries create a foundation for mutual understanding and help avoid miscommunication.
Foster Secure Attachment
If the dismissive-avoidant is willing, work together to create a space where autonomy and emotional safety coexist.
This might involve having open conversations about their attachment style and how it impacts the relationship.
Explore ways to build trust, such as consistent communication, mutual respect, and reassurance that their independence is valued.
Remember, changing attachment dynamics takes time, so patience and effort are necessary for growth.
When They Don’t Come Back
If a dismissive avoidant doesn’t return, it’s essential to recognize that it’s not a reflection of your worth.
Their attachment style often prioritizes emotional safety over repairing a relationship, even if they deeply care about their partner.
This can be especially painful in ENM, where communication and transparency are the backbone of healthy dynamics.
When faced with their absence, focus on grieving the loss in a healthy way.
Honor the connection for what it was, and allow yourself to find closure.
Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to let go, especially when their emotional availability doesn’t align with your needs.
By understanding their behavior and prioritizing your own well-being, you can navigate the complexities of dismissive avoidant attachment with strength and clarity.
Final Thoughts
Navigating the world of ENM is already a dance of communication, trust, and understanding.
Add a dismissive avoidant attachment style into the mix, and the ride can feel even more complex.
But whether they come back or not, the key takeaway is this: your journey in ENM is about building relationships that honor autonomy and emotional connection in equal measure.
Not every partner will be ready or able to meet you where you are—and that’s okay.
Your worth is not tied to whether someone returns.
It’s tied to how you show up for yourself and the people who truly value you.
Frequently Asked Questions
Understanding the intricacies of how a dismissive avoidant might respond post-breakup is complex. This section aims to address common concerns you might have if you’re pondering the possibility of reconnection.
How likely is it for a dismissive avoidant to return after a period of no contact?
Dismissive avoidants may sometimes return after no contact if they perceive the absence of pressure and feel autonomy in their decision to reconnect. However, this is not guaranteed and depends on the individual’s attachment patterns and emotional processing.
What are the typical behaviors of dismissive avoidants following a breakup?
Following a breakup, dismissive avoidants often appear detached and may actively avoid contact. They usually focus on personal freedom and self-sufficiency and may seem unaffected by the split.
What are the signs that a dismissive avoidant ex-partner is missing you?
If a dismissive avoidant ex-partner misses you, they might reach out sporadically or show interest in your life passively, such as through social media. Direct communication about missing you is less common due to their avoidance of vulnerability.
How long after a relationship ends might a dismissive avoidant start to feel an absence and possibly reach out?
The time frame can vary greatly; some dismissive avoidants might feel the absence immediately, while others take months or even years to acknowledge these feelings. Reaching out might happen when they experience a trigger that reminds them of the connection they had with you.
Can a relationship with a dismissive avoidant be rekindled post-rebound, and under what circumstances?
A relationship with a dismissive avoidant can potentially be rekindled post-rebound if both parties have reflected on their needs and communication patterns. Successful reconnection often requires mutual understanding and a willingness to address past issues.
What communication frequency is advised when trying to reconnect with a dismissive avoidant?
To reconnect with a dismissive avoidant, it’s recommended to keep communication infrequent and pressure-free. Allow them space to respond at their own pace and ensure that the interactions are positive and non-confrontational.
