Note from Anna: I’m so excited to introduce Jennifer, the writer behind the incredible Dirtbag Christian! Her Substack is a beautifully raw and insightful exploration of faith, relationships, and personal growth, filled with honesty.

Jennifer and I recently did a post-swap, and I couldn’t be happier to share her perspective with all of you. She’s written a thoughtful guest post for ENM Living about being a polyamorous Christian—a topic she approaches with grace, wisdom, and a fresh perspective. Meanwhile, I’ve contributed a post on solo polyamory to her blog, sharing insights and experiences on navigating this unique relationship style.

I highly encourage you to check out Jennifer’s blog for more of her thought-provoking work:
👉 Visit Dirtbag Christian here!

Yes, It’s Possible to Be a Polyamorous Christian – Guest Post

More people are looking at forms of non-monogamy as a way to explore not only their romantic and sexual identities but also their lives in general. 

Polyamorous people tend to be stereotyped as irreligious or pagan, but there actually is a community of people who are Christian but are non-monogamous. 

LGBTQ+ Christian organizations have been around for decades, and many prominent Christian denominations are affirming of LGBTQ+ people, which means that these churches welcome them not only as congregants, but also as clergy, church staff, council positions, and perform same-sex weddings. 

Polyamory has become the next frontier, and many of those same congregations now welcome non-monogamous families into their folds as well.

However, overall, Christianity has an anti-sex bent: the majority, but not all, Christians believe that sex should only take place between a man and a woman within the confines of marriage. 

Anything else is believed to be sinful. 

So, it may seem surprising that polyamorous Christians exist. While it’s somewhat rare, it’s not unheard of. 

And yes, being polyamorous or exploring non-monogamy without giving up your faith is still possible. 

Progressive or liberal Christianity is the best path forward for any polyamorous Christians.

Healing from Purity Culture

If you were raised in a strict, fundamentalist Christian household, you probably carry some shame from the stigma of sex.

If you dive into non-monogamy before dealing with the trauma from sex-negative messaging, you may retraumatize yourself.

Sex is not dirty – it’s sacred.

Researching a progressive theology and joining progressive Christian or queer communities or churches can help. It’s incredibly healing to feel accepted as a queer person in a faith-based context. 

As you start to date, take things slowly, communicate honestly, and be transparent about any potential hangups.

You can start educating yourself about potential kinks, Google tips for specific sex acts that you never learned about, and of course, read books about non-monogamy in the meantime.

Find non-monogamous Christians online.

There are communities for Christian swingers, Christians into BDSM, and Christians in open relationships.

For intentional polyamory from a Christ-centered perspective, my Dirtbag Christian Substack can be an excellent resource.

Above all things: remember that the rules around sex in the Bible came from a time in which birth control did not exist and women and children were considered property. 

We no longer live in that world. In the same way that the Bible doesn’t have any context about computers, cars, or medication, yet the majority of us still use them – and the same way that today’s Christians eat pork and shellfish – things do and should change.

Polygamy was in the Bible, yes, but we wouldn’t want to return to the Biblical type of polygamy either, as it’s misogynistic, traumatizing, and harmful.

How to Maintain a Strong Sex Ethic as a Christian

If you don’t believe in a literalist interpretation of what the Bible says a sex ethic should be by ancient, patriarchal standards, where do you go?

Having good sexual ethics is still important.

Non-monogamy isn’t based on some “anything goes” philosophy: it’s having sexual and/or romantic relationships with multiple people.

The first cornerstone of developing a strong ethic about sex as a non-monogamous Christian is consent.

It’s wrong to pressure anyone into sex, of course, but it’s also not fair to pressure your partner into non-monogamy if it’s not what they actually want.

If you’re in a monogamous relationship but you want to explore polyamory, you need to be honest with yourself and your partner, because it’s a serious step, and not all monogamous relationships can seamlessly move into non-monogamous ones.

Honesty – to your partner and to yourself – is just as important as consent. Learn about what “affirmative consent” means and how best to implement that into your sex life.

As a Christian, it’s also important that we be Christ-like: meaning, that we put others’ needs above our own.

Each relationship and each sexual encounter is sacred, and you should treat it as such.

That doesn’t mean you have to deny yourself casual sex, but it does mean that you need to ask yourself if the encounter is healthy for you, healthy for the other person, and healthy for both of you together.

Someone who is in an emotionally distressed state may impulsively try to have sex, for instance, and the consent would be there – but would it be harmful or helpful in that scenario for you to do something they may later regret?

I consider not only my wants, desires, and well-being, but also the well-being, wants, and desires of the other person.

They’re a child of God, and I want to treat them like that.

Personally, I tend to mostly have sex with people I have emotional connections with.

That doesn’t work for everyone, but I find it helps me to stay wise with my romantic life.

Since I’m so busy with four partners, two kids, and full-time work, I wouldn’t, for instance, present myself as an ideal, stable primary partner for another person.

I’m honest and upfront about my emotional and personal availability.

Honesty is incredibly important overall: if you will always prioritize your primary or nesting partner, say so. If you have children, say so. If you have a veto policy, say so.

If you or your partner has specific rules or boundaries, state them.

Give people the complete truth about your situation. 

Most importantly, treat all your partners with utmost respect and honesty, from the most casual one-time hook-up to your lifelong partners. You don’t have to be religious to do that.

Joining a Polyamorous-Friendly Church

You don’t have to go to church to be a Christian. It’s quite possible to be a believer and strengthen your faith in the ways you most see fit without having regular church attendance.

Many polyamorous Christians don’t attend church, and instead, they practice their faith in individual ways at home.

My two partners, two children, and I attend a church from the United Church of Christ, one of the most progressive Christian denominations in the United States. 

I will warn you of one thing right from the get-go: no Christian denomination has a firm position on non-monogamy at the present moment.

While denominations that are affirming of LGBTQ+ people are far more likely to have individual acceptance of non-monogamous people, couples, and families, there’s no guarantee.

The United Unitarian church isn’t explicitly Christian, but they are one of the only large religious organizations overall that does have an affirmative statement regarding non-monogamy and varieties of relationship structures.

However, I prefer a more Christ-centric religious practice, and so the UCC was the right home for me.

The best thing about UCC churches is that they’re congregational, which means that each church makes its own decisions and has a unique vibe.

Within the UCC, there’s a special designation for churches that are actively committed to open-mindedness for all genders, sexualities, and relationships: ONA, which stands for open and affirming.

They’re educated on non-monogamy – I even know many polyamorous Christian pastors at UCC churches.

At my church, we are completely welcome, and open, and nobody gives us a second glance. My legal spouse was even on the church council here and currently runs tech for our congregation each Sunday.

If you live in a rural area or can’t find a progressive church that feels welcoming of polyamory, no worries.

One of my favorite progressive pastors, Dr. Jackie Lewis, runs Middle Church in New York City and has an extensive online worship service that anyone from all over the world can attend. 

If you’re on the journey of exploring your faith, exploring your sexuality, and opening your relationship, please don’t panic: there are more of us out here than you think, but many fellow non-monogamous Christians are closeted out of fear of being judged.

How many people you love has no bearing on your love for God, or most importantly, God’s love for you.

Your purity and your ethics come from your heart, not your sex life. Consider exploring more of these religious concepts from a Christian perspective at Queer Theology or my Substack, Dirtbag Christian. 

I’m a layperson, but I do have a degree in Bible from a Christian college.

One thing I know for sure is that God loves you and wants abounding love for you.

After all, Philippians 1:9-11 states: “And this is my prayer, that your love may overflow more and more with knowledge and full insight to help you to determine what really matters, so that in the day of Christ you may be pure and blameless, having produced the harvest of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ for the glory and praise of God.”