In the world of relationships, there are a variety of dynamics that individuals and couples navigate.
One concept that often comes up, especially in discussions around traditional relationships, is the relationship escalator.
If you’ve ever felt that there’s an unspoken set of steps or expectations you should follow when entering a relationship, you’re probably familiar with the idea of the relationship escalator.
But what exactly is the relationship escalator?
And how does it play out, especially in the context of Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)?
In this blog post, we’ll break down what the relationship escalator is, how it works, and why it may or may not fit with your values, especially in the world of ENM.
Key Takeaways
- The Relationship Escalator is a social model outlining a standard progression for relationships.
- Not all relationships follow this model; there is a growing recognition of alternative paths.
- Understanding this concept empowers you to make choices about your relationships that reflect your own values.
What is The Relationship Escalator in ENM?
The concept of the relationship escalator refers to a linear, traditional set of milestones that many people follow in their romantic relationships.
This progression typically starts with casual dating, then moves into exclusivity, commitment, marriage, and potentially children.
For many people, this path is seen as the “natural” or expected progression of relationships.
It’s the default template for how relationships should unfold in many cultures.
The relationship escalator provides a sense of clarity, as each step feels like a natural, logical progression.
Here’s what the traditional relationship escalator often looks like:
Dating: This is where two people get to know each other, spend time together, and explore their connection.
Exclusivity: The decision to be in a monogamous relationship, typically involving emotional and sexual exclusivity.
Commitment: Moving in together, sharing finances, and planning for the future as a couple.
Marriage: This is often the formal commitment, celebrated by a ceremony, and recognized socially.
Children: Starting a family or having children is often considered the ultimate step in the escalator.
The metaphor of the escalator implies that as you ascend the steps, your relationship is naturally evolving to a higher, more committed level.
Each step builds upon the previous one, leading to an expected end goal.
This structure is deeply embedded in societal norms, creating the assumption that relationships should always follow this predictable path.
But what if this traditional relationship model doesn’t work for everyone?
Why the Relationship Escalator Doesn’t Work for Everyone
The relationship escalator might be ideal for some people, but it doesn’t work for everyone—especially for those in Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM).
ENM relationships typically involve romantic or sexual connections with more than one person, where everyone is aware and consentingly involved.
In this framework, the traditional relationship path can feel restrictive or incompatible with the values and desires of those in ENM.
For ENM individuals, the relationship escalator may seem outdated or limiting because their connections don’t necessarily follow the same linear progression.
ENM allows people to create their own unique relationship models, which might not include some of the milestones that are central to the traditional escalator.
Here’s why the relationship escalator doesn’t fit within ENM:
It Assumes a One-Size-Fits-All Approach
One of the main problems with the relationship escalator is that it assumes all relationships should follow the same trajectory.
But in ENM, relationships come in all shapes and sizes, with no expectation that they will follow a specific order.
For instance, some relationships may never progress to marriage or cohabitation, and that’s perfectly fine.
Instead, relationships in ENM can be based on things like emotional intimacy, sexual exploration, or casual connections.
Some ENM connections may be about growth and self-exploration, not about adhering to a predefined relationship progression.
For example, you may have a deep, meaningful connection with someone, but without any plans to move in together or get married.
This doesn’t make the relationship any less valuable, but it doesn’t fit neatly into the traditional milestones of the relationship escalator.
It Prioritizes Romantic Partnerships Over Other Bonds
Another flaw of the relationship escalator is that it typically prioritizes romantic partnerships over other types of connections, like friendships or platonic relationships.
In ENM, however, the emphasis is on creating deep connections across multiple relationships, and not all of them need to be romantic.
In fact, many people in ENM view their platonic relationships as equally important as their romantic or sexual ones.
Some may even find that their closest, most fulfilling bonds are friendships, not necessarily romantic relationships.
In the world of ENM, there’s no hierarchy of relationships. Romantic love is not seen as the end-all-be-all.
This approach challenges the idea that romantic relationships are always the most important, or that they should always move toward a committed partnership or marriage.
It Can Be Confusing for Non-Monogamous Individuals
For those who already practice ENM, the relationship escalator can feel like a frustrating pressure to conform to a standard timeline.
In the world of ENM, there’s no rush to follow a set order, and there’s definitely no need to rush toward a traditional commitment like marriage.
Many ENM practitioners value creating authentic connections with their partners, without worrying about whether those connections follow a specific order.
This creates a more flexible and individualized approach to relationships.
For example, some people may choose to have casual relationships that never turn into something more serious, and that’s okay.
There’s no need to be pressured into following a traditional, linear path when your relationship style is about openness and authenticity.
By rejecting the expectation of the relationship escalator, ENM participants can enjoy relationships that feel more true to who they are and what they want, without the societal pressure to conform to a particular set of milestones.
How the Relationship Escalator Relates to ENM
In Ethical Non-Monogamy, the focus shifts from adhering to a rigid set of expectations to creating relationships based on individual needs, desires, and preferences.
There’s no single, one-size-fits-all rulebook in ENM, and each connection is allowed to evolve on its own terms.
This contrasts with the traditional relationship escalator, where society often dictates a fixed progression—dating, exclusivity, commitment, marriage, and children.
For example, in ENM, you may have a long-term partner who isn’t interested in moving into a shared living space.
Or perhaps you’re looking for casual connections with no expectation of a future commitment, enjoying the present moment without focusing on long-term plans.
These types of dynamics challenge the relationship escalator, where there’s a cultural assumption that every relationship automatically progresses to higher levels of commitment over time.
Instead of following that predefined progression, ENM is about creating flexible, intentional connections based on mutual consent, open communication, and respect for individual needs.
In ENM, it’s less about following a prescribed path and more about defining each relationship uniquely, allowing it to unfold based on what both partners truly want.
Some relationships may grow deeper and evolve naturally over time, while others may remain casual or never progress in traditional ways.
The key here is flexibility—each relationship is allowed to develop at its own pace, without external pressures to conform to a typical relationship model.
Embracing a Non-Escalator Approach to Relationships
So, how can you approach relationships in a way that works for you if you’re living the ENM lifestyle?
It’s important to reject the idea of following a rigid path and instead create a more personalized approach to your connections.
This allows you to create authentic, fulfilling relationships without the need to conform to external expectations.
Here are some ways to embrace a non-escalator approach:
Create Your Own Relationship Map
Instead of following the traditional escalator steps, think about what each relationship truly means to you.
What do you want from each connection?
Do you crave emotional intimacy, physical closeness, intellectual stimulation, or something else entirely?
In ENM, you can define your own goals for each relationship.
This approach lets you focus on what is important to you, rather than trying to force each connection into a predefined box.
Rather than feeling pressured to “level up” every relationship or make it more serious over time, take your time to explore what feels natural.
Some relationships might naturally progress to deeper emotional intimacy, while others might stay more casual and fun.
The key is to embrace each connection for what it is right now and not force it into a mold simply because that’s the way relationships are expected to progress in the traditional model.
Don’t be afraid to accept relationships at whatever stage they’re in—whether that’s new and exciting, or comfortable and stable.
Communicate Clearly
Communication is one of the most critical components of ENM relationships, especially when multiple partners are involved.
Clear, honest, and frequent communication ensures that everyone is on the same page about what each person wants, expects, and needs from the relationship.
You must be proactive about discussing boundaries, desires, and needs to avoid misunderstandings and potential hurt feelings.
Since ENM relationships can involve many different people, managing multiple dynamics requires constant, open dialogue.
This means being upfront with your partners about your desires, how you define your relationships, and what commitment or intimacy looks like to you.
Without clear communication, misunderstandings can easily arise, leading to people feeling neglected or misunderstood.
When everyone is in agreement and communicates openly, relationships are much more likely to be fulfilling and healthy.
Clear communication can also help prevent jealousy, as it ensures that everyone understands the dynamics and is comfortable with how things are progressing.
The more you communicate openly about your feelings and expectations, the more trust you’ll build within your relationships.
Let Go of Traditional Timelines
One of the key tenets of ENM is freedom—freedom to create your relationships without being bound by traditional timelines or societal expectations.
You don’t have to feel pressured to rush through relationship milestones, nor do you need to follow a set path to achieve “success.”
In the world of ENM, there’s no universal roadmap that says a relationship must reach a specific point at a particular time.
Instead, the focus is on how relationships naturally evolve, without needing to meet predetermined milestones like moving in together, getting married, or having children.
Each connection is allowed to develop at its own pace, without needing to rush through societal expectations.
There’s no need to adhere to traditional timelines just because society expects you to.
For example, a casual or non-exclusive relationship doesn’t need to become more serious just because time has passed.
Allow your relationships to grow organically, at a pace that suits everyone involved.
This doesn’t mean neglecting boundaries or responsibilities—rather, it’s about rejecting the idea that there’s only one right way to do relationships.
In ENM, each connection is about mutual respect and allowing each partner to determine what they need from the relationship, without the expectation of following a traditional progression.
So, feel free to explore your relationships without the need to conform to the traditional roadmap of the relationship escalator.
By doing this, you’ll be able to foster more authentic, meaningful, and satisfying connections that work for you and your partners.
Final Thoughts
Whether you’re in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, it’s important to understand that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to love and connection.
For those living in the ENM lifestyle, it’s about embracing the freedom to create meaningful relationships that align with your needs and desires, without being confined to the traditional relationship escalator.
By focusing on what’s right for you, and embracing authentic connections, you can move beyond traditional expectations and create a love life that works for you.
FAQ on The Relationship Escalator
Navigating intimate relationships often means questioning traditional pathways. Here are valuable insights to address queries you might have if you’re exploring beyond conventional norms.
What are the defining characteristics of a non-escalator relationship?
In a non-escalator relationship, partnership progression isn’t linear or hierarchical. It lacks a preset goal such as marriage, emphasizing autonomy, and doesn’t prioritize sexual and emotional monogamy.
How can one maintain a healthy polyamorous relationship outside of the traditional relationship escalator model?
A healthy polyamorous relationship requires strong communication, clear boundaries, mutual respect, and consent from all partners involved, diverging from the escalator’s sequential milestones.
What steps are involved in consciously stepping off the relationship escalator?
To step off the relationship escalator, begin by identifying personal relationship values, communicating openly with your partners, and setting mutual expectations that deviate from societal norms.
In what ways can relationships still develop and thrive without following the escalator model?
Relationships can thrive without the escalator model by focusing on the unique connection each partner shares and valuing quality, depth, and personal growth over societal relationship benchmarks.
How does a throuple relationship navigate commitment without adhering to the relationship escalator conventions?
A throuple relationship values equitable commitment, where each bond is respected for its integrity and individuality, with commitment tailored to the needs and agreements of the throuple rather than external societal expectations.
What are common challenges people face when they choose alternatives to the relationship escalator?
Common challenges include societal scrutiny, navigating jealousy, and finding supportive communities that understand and respect non-traditional relationship dynamics.
