If you are wondering what is the difference between jealousy and envy, you’ve come to the right place! In ethical non-monogamy (ENM), emotions like envy and jealousy often come up and are easily confused. Though commonly used interchangeably, these emotions differ and impact relationships in unique ways.
In this post, we’ll explore the origins and meanings of envy and jealousy and how understanding these differences can improve emotional awareness in ENM.
Did you know the phrase “green with envy” dates back to ancient beliefs, where jealousy was thought to produce bile, tinting the skin green? Shakespeare also referred to jealousy as the “green-eyed monster,” emphasizing its consuming nature.
Let’s dive in to understand how envy and jealousy play out in non-monogamy and why distinguishing them matters.
Key Takeaways
- Envy is wanting what someone else has, while jealousy is fearing the loss of what you already have.
- Envy and jealousy in ENM can drive personal growth and strengthen relationships when addressed constructively.
- Recognize, understand, and communicate openly about envy and jealousy in ENM to keep relationships healthy.
The Difference Between Jealousy and Envy
Envy in ENM is when you desire something someone else has—whether it’s the type of relationship they share with a partner, the time they get to spend with someone or the way they navigate their connections.
It’s about wanting something that feels out of reach in your own polyamorous or non-monogamous dynamic.
Jealousy, on the other hand, arises when you’re afraid of losing someone or something you already have.
In ENM, jealousy can surface when you’re concerned that a partner might grow closer to someone else or that your place in their life is at risk.
While envy and jealousy often overlap in ENM relationships, understanding the nuances of these emotions can help you communicate better with your partners and handle these feelings in a healthier way.
Where Do These Emotions Come From in Non-Monogamous Relationships?
Envy: Wanting What Others Have
In ENM, envy can arise when you see another person in your partner’s life receiving attention, affection, or intimacy that you desire.
For instance, you might feel envious of the time a partner spends with someone new or the deep emotional connection they share with another.
At its core, envy in ENM often reflects unfulfilled desires or a longing for deeper connections.
While this can serve as motivation to nurture your own relationships, it’s important to manage these feelings to prevent them from turning into dissatisfaction or insecurity.
Jealousy: Fear of Losing What You Have
Jealousy in ENM is rooted in fear—the fear of losing a partner’s attention or affection to someone else.
It’s a protective instinct that can surface when you’re worried that someone else might be a bigger priority in your partner’s life.
In ENM, jealousy is often linked to ownership fears or concerns about being replaced, but it’s important to recognize that non-monogamous dynamics encourage open, transparent communication to work through these emotions and maintain trust.
How Do Jealousy and Envy Affect Us in Non-Monogamy?
Both jealousy and envy can be powerful emotional forces that affect how we experience our relationships.
Envy often stems from a feeling of inadequacy or a perception that others have something we lack.
This can cause stress in ENM relationships if we feel we’re not measuring up to the connections our partners are forming with others.
Jealousy is tied to the fear of loss.
When jealousy takes over in an ENM context, it can make us feel possessive, insecure, or protective of our place in a partner’s life.
This fear of losing a connection can be magnified if boundaries or communication aren’t clearly established.
Recognizing these feelings as they arise is the first step toward managing them in a healthy way and reinforcing the trust that’s central to non-monogamous relationships.
When Jealousy and Envy Blur Together
It’s not always easy to separate jealousy and envy, especially in complex ENM relationships.
For example, you might feel envy when your partner spends time with another person, but at the same time, feel jealous about the possibility of being left behind or replaced in their affections.
These emotions can overlap and feed into each other, making it challenging to pinpoint exactly what you’re feeling.
Being aware of how these emotions intertwine can help you communicate more effectively with your partners and understand the root causes of your feelings.
How Jealousy and Envy Affect ENM Relationships
Both envy and jealousy can have negative impacts on ENM relationships if not addressed and communicated openly.
Envy’s Effect on Relationships
Envy can breed competition or resentment between partners, especially when there’s a sense of comparison or inadequacy.
In ENM, if partners constantly feel they are competing for attention, this can create tension and undermine trust.
It’s important to recognize envy as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth rather than allowing it to create friction between partners.
Jealousy’s Effect on Relationships
Jealousy can be particularly intense in ENM, especially when we feel that someone else’s connection with our partner is threatening our own bond.
While small amounts of jealousy may reflect care or attachment, excessive jealousy can evolve into possessiveness, controlling behavior, or emotional manipulation.
Healthy jealousy in ENM should be handled with awareness and care.
Setting clear boundaries, discussing needs and expectations, and practicing transparency can help mitigate jealousy’s impact on relationships.
Signs You Might Be Feeling Jealous or Envious
Jealousy Indicators:
- Worrying about what your partner is doing with someone else, especially when you’re not around.
- Feeling suspicious or protective about your partner’s interactions with others.
- Over-monitoring their social media or communication with others.
- Trying to control their relationships or interactions with other people.
Envy Indicators:
- Feeling resentment or frustration when another partner gets more attention or affection than you.
- Comparing your relationships to others and feeling like yours are lacking.
- Struggling to feel happy for a partner when they experience joy or success with another person.
- Having difficulty celebrating the achievements or positive experiences of other people in your relationship network.
Social media can often intensify these emotions, as it highlights curated glimpses of others’ lives.
In ENM, recognizing this pressure and managing your feelings about others’ relationships can help you avoid unnecessary comparison or envy.
When Jealousy Becomes a Red Flag
In any relationship, especially ENM, extreme jealousy is a serious red flag.
It can signal deeper issues and even potential for abusive behaviors.
If you feel intimidated or unsafe in a relationship, prioritize your safety. Find a secure place, and consider reaching out for support.
Handling Jealousy and Envy in ENM
Managing jealousy and envy in ENM takes self-awareness and a few helpful strategies.
Here are some ways to better handle these complex feelings:
1. Understand That Jealousy Is Layered
Jealousy isn’t just one feeling; it’s a mix of emotions and thoughts, often not fully logical.
Try to see if your jealousy stems from real concerns, like a betrayal, or if it’s more about personal fears.
Talking openly with your partner can help sort these feelings out, and you can work together to rebuild trust if needed.
2. Find the Root of Jealousy
Dig into what’s causing your jealousy.
Sometimes, it links back to past hurts or trust issues.
If your partner knows what you’re struggling with, they might offer reassurance, like keeping you updated or including you in social plans.
Small actions can make a big difference in building trust.
3. Recognize What Triggers Envy
In ENM, envy might arise if you’re comparing yourself to others based on looks, lifestyle, or career.
Think about what specifically triggers this envy—maybe someone’s confidence or a financial situation.
Use this awareness to set positive goals that are meaningful to you.
4. Take a “Worst-Case” Perspective
Sometimes, picturing the worst-case scenario can help ease fears.
Ask yourself if you’d still be okay even if your worries became real.
Remember, your worth isn’t tied to one relationship. This broader view can make it easier to give your partner the freedom they need.
5. Celebrate Your Strengths
Focus on what you’re good at and your unique qualities.
Envy can feel unpleasant, but it’s often a sign that you’re craving growth.
Set achievable goals based on what you value, and use envy to fuel positive change.
Accepting Your Feelings
It’s completely natural to feel jealous or envious in any relationship, including ENM.
Rather than viewing these feelings as flaws or trying to suppress them, allow yourself to acknowledge them without judgment.
When you accept these emotions, it becomes easier to understand what they’re signaling—maybe it’s a fear of being left out, insecurity, or a need for reassurance.
By exploring these roots, you gain more control over your responses.
Remember, feelings are part of the human experience; embracing them is the first step toward managing them in a healthy way.
Be Cautious with Social Media
Social media can amplify feelings of envy and self-doubt, especially in ENM, where it’s easy to compare your relationships to the idealized images others share.
Remember, what you see online is often a highlight reel—not the full picture of someone’s life or relationship.
If you notice that social media is affecting your self-esteem or fueling jealousy, consider taking a break or setting limits on your use.
Disconnecting can help you refocus on your own reality and stay grounded, preventing you from slipping into unhealthy comparisons that affect your mental well-being.
Use Jealousy and Envy for Growth
Believe it or not, jealousy and envy can be powerful motivators for self-improvement.
Instead of letting them lead to frustration or resentment, channel these feelings into personal growth.
If you find yourself envying a friend’s success or a partner’s attention toward someone else, think about what these feelings reveal about your own goals.
Perhaps you want more time to connect with your partner or to focus on your own achievements.
Use these insights to make positive changes, like setting personal goals or strengthening your relationships through open communication.
Practicing Gratitude
Gratitude can be a transformative tool when you’re feeling jealous or envious.
When you take a moment to focus on the positive aspects of your life and relationships, it shifts your attention from what you lack to what you already have.
This simple practice can help soften intense feelings and put things in perspective, reminding you of the love, support, and fulfillment that’s already present.
Regularly practicing gratitude can build a foundation of contentment, making it easier to handle moments of envy or jealousy with more peace and acceptance.
Final Thoughts
In ENM, jealousy and envy are natural but complex emotions.
Recognizing the difference and understanding their roots can make a huge difference in how you handle them.
Embracing self-growth, empathy, and gratitude can make your relationships more fulfilling and balanced.
So, let’s continue exploring ourselves, using empathy and understanding to navigate the complex world of human emotions.
FAQ on Jealousy vs. Envy
Can jealousy or envy ever be completely eliminated in non-monogamous relationships?
While it’s difficult to entirely eliminate these emotions, managing them through self-awareness, open communication, and personal growth can significantly reduce their negative impact. Many people in ENM relationships focus on navigating these feelings constructively rather than expecting to eliminate them.
How can jealousy or envy be helpful or productive?
Jealousy and envy can serve as indicators of unmet needs or personal insecurities, prompting self-reflection and growth. Recognizing and understanding these emotions can help individuals set goals, address underlying issues, and foster stronger connections in their relationships.
Are jealousy and envy more common in non-monogamous relationships than in monogamous ones?
Jealousy and envy can appear in any relationship structure, though they may be more openly discussed in non-monogamous settings where partners actively work to manage multiple connections. The dynamics are different but not necessarily more intense; it largely depends on personal insecurities and relationship agreements.
How can someone support their partner if they’re struggling with jealousy or envy?
Supporting a partner involves active listening, empathy, and reassurance. Encouraging them to express their feelings without judgment and discussing boundaries and reassurance strategies can create a safe space for managing these emotions.
Is it normal to feel envious of a metamour (your partner’s other partner) in ENM relationships?
Yes, it’s common for individuals to feel envy toward a metamour, especially if they perceive that partner as having qualities or connections they desire. Addressing this envy by focusing on personal growth and open communication can help shift it into a positive experience.
How can someone tell the difference between jealousy and possessiveness in ENM?
Jealousy typically involves fear of loss or insecurity, whereas possessiveness can stem from a desire to control a partner’s behavior or relationships. While jealousy can be managed in healthy ways, possessiveness may signal an imbalance of respect and trust that needs addressing.
