If you are here you might be wondering how many types of jealousy are there. Jealousy is an emotional state that is experienced universally, yet it manifests in a myriad of forms, each with its own set of circumstances and consequences.
At its core, jealousy involves feelings of insecurity, fear, and concern over a relative lack of possessions or safety.
If you’re navigating the world of ethical non-monogamy (ENM), you’ve likely encountered the topic of jealousy at some point.
Maybe you’ve felt it.
Maybe your partner has.
Or maybe you’re wondering how it all fits into the framework of ENM, where multiple relationships and connections can exist in harmony.
Jealousy is a complex emotion, and like many feelings we experience, it doesn’t fit neatly into one box.
For those in ENM relationships, the landscape can be a little trickier to navigate because there are more people involved and more emotions in play.
But just because jealousy is a natural part of being human doesn’t mean it has to be a roadblock in your relationships.
Let’s break it down to understand the different types of jealousy and how they show up in ENM.
Key Takeaways
- Jealousy is a common, multifaceted emotion with many manifestations.
- Identifying the type of jealousy can aid in understanding its impact on relationships and well-being.
- Effective management of jealousy involves recognizing its presence and addressing its underlying causes.
6 Types of Jealousy
Navigating jealousy in ethical non-monogamy can be challenging, but understanding the different types of jealousy can help you address these emotions in a healthy way.
Each type of jealousy has its roots in unique fears or insecurities, and knowing how to recognize and manage them is key to fostering open communication and trust in your relationships.
Below, we’ll explore six common types of jealousy you might encounter in ENM and offer some practical tips for handling them.
1. Possessive Jealousy: “This Is My Person”
Possessive jealousy is perhaps the most traditional kind of jealousy.
It’s the feeling that you own your partner’s attention, time, or affection, and when they give that to someone else, it stings.
This type of jealousy often arises from societal norms around monogamy, where one person’s love and attention are considered “exclusive” to another.
In the context of ENM, possessive jealousy can rear its head when one partner feels that another relationship or interaction is “stealing” from their bond.
It might sound like, “Why are they spending so much time with them instead of me?” or “I thought we had something special that no one else could have.”
Possessive jealousy can also emerge if you feel that your partner is emotionally investing more in someone else than in you.
It’s often tied to fears of competition and feeling threatened by other people’s presence.
How to Deal with It:
Possessive jealousy often stems from insecurity or fears of losing connection.
It’s important to take a step back and reassess where this feeling is coming from.
Is there a lack of communication?
Are your needs being met in the relationship?
Talking openly about what you both need emotionally can help mitigate this type of jealousy and create an atmosphere of trust.
Setting clear boundaries around what feels okay and discussing your concerns helps build a sense of security.
Reassurance from your partner can help ease the anxiety that comes with possessive jealousy.
2. Comparative Jealousy: “Am I Not Enough?”
Comparative jealousy comes up when you feel threatened by a partner’s other relationships, comparing yourself to the other person involved.
You might catch yourself thinking, “Why are they so into them? What do they have that I don’t?”
This type of jealousy can make you feel inferior as if you’re not measuring up in comparison to others.
In ENM, it’s easy to feel a bit overshadowed by a new person entering the picture.
You might find yourself obsessing over their connection with your partner, wondering if your partner enjoys spending time with them more than with you, or whether they are more physically compatible.
You might even find yourself wondering if your partner is emotionally closer to someone else.
How to Deal with It:
The best way to handle comparative jealousy is to remind yourself that you are unique and valuable in your own right.
Every relationship has its own dynamic, and your bond with your partner is special in ways that may not be immediately obvious when comparing it to others.
Rather than focusing on the other person, reflect on your individual worth and what you contribute to the relationship.
Communication is key here as well—talking about your concerns and recognizing that your worth isn’t tied to comparisons can provide relief.
Instead of focusing on the other person, focus on deepening your own connection with your partner.
You both bring different qualities to each relationship and that diversity can actually strengthen the bond you share.
3. Insecurity-Based Jealousy: “What If I’m Not Enough?”
This type of jealousy is rooted in self-doubt and fear of inadequacy.
It often stems from deep-seated insecurities, like thinking you’re not enough for your partner or that you’re somehow lacking in some way compared to others.
It’s not about the other person in the relationship—it’s about how you feel about yourself.
In ENM, where multiple relationships can flourish, insecurity-based jealousy might emerge when you feel unsure about your place in your partner’s life.
Are they going to love someone else more than they love you?
Will their other connections eclipse what you share?
You might even fear that your partner will leave you for someone else who is somehow better, smarter, or more fun.
How to Deal with It:
Insecurity-based jealousy often points to personal work that needs to be done.
Building self-esteem, recognizing your value, and communicating openly with your partner about your feelings can help address these underlying fears.
Remind yourself that love isn’t a zero-sum game—your partner’s affection for others doesn’t diminish what you have with them.
Therapy or self-help resources can also be incredibly beneficial in confronting insecurities and building confidence.
Working through personal insecurities can make you feel more grounded and less likely to feel threatened by your partner’s other relationships.
Self-love and self-awareness can be powerful tools in overcoming insecurity-based jealousy.
4. Protective Jealousy: “I Want to Keep Them Safe”
This type of jealousy comes from a place of care and concern.
Protective jealousy isn’t necessarily about wanting to control your partner or their relationships, but rather, it’s driven by a genuine desire to safeguard their emotional well-being.
You might worry about the impact that someone else could have on your partner—emotionally, physically, or even in terms of their time and energy.
In ENM, protective jealousy can show up when you feel worried about a partner’s other relationships negatively affecting your dynamic.
Perhaps you fear that another person might unintentionally cause harm or tension in the existing relationships.
You might also feel protective of your own bond with your partner, wanting to ensure it remains strong and unshakable.
How to Deal with It:
Protective jealousy calls for a healthy discussion of boundaries.
What are you both comfortable with and where can you draw the line to ensure that all relationships involved are healthy and consensual?
Transparency, clear communication, and mutual respect go a long way in diffusing protective jealousy, and helping everyone involved feel safe and secure.
Addressing your concerns directly with your partner, while maintaining a sense of emotional support, can create a stronger foundation for all relationships involved.
Trusting that your partner can make their own decisions and ensuring they are involved in relationships that are healthy for them is key to handling protective jealousy.
5. FOMO (Fear of Missing Out): “I Want What They Have”
This type of jealousy has gained more attention in the social media age, where it’s easy to feel like you’re missing out on something amazing or seeing your partner form deep connections elsewhere.
FOMO jealousy isn’t just about wanting what the other person has, but also feeling left out or excluded from certain experiences.
In ENM, FOMO can occur when a partner is forming new connections that you’re not part of.
Maybe they’re spending time with someone you don’t know well, and it’s hard not to feel like you’re missing out on something fun, exciting, or emotionally fulfilling.
You might even worry that these new experiences will create a deeper bond between your partner and someone else.
How to Deal with It:
FOMO jealousy is more about managing your expectations and recognizing that every relationship will be different.
You might not be involved in every part of your partner’s life, and that’s okay.
Instead of focusing on what you’re missing, it can be helpful to reflect on what you do have with your partner.
Building independent experiences outside of your relationship can also help ease feelings of missing out.
Engaging in your own passions, hobbies, and friendships ensures that you have a full life outside of your relationship.
Encourage open communication about your feelings, and focus on the quality of the time you spend with your partner, rather than comparing it to others.
6. Attachment-Based Jealousy: “I Don’t Want to Lose You”
Attachment-based jealousy is often tied to deep emotional bonds and fears of abandonment.
It can stem from anxious attachment styles, where there’s a fear that a partner may become emotionally distant or fall for someone else.
In ENM relationships, this might manifest as a fear that your partner will become emotionally closer to someone else, leaving you feeling sidelined or abandoned.
You may feel like you’re at risk of being replaced by someone else, and it can be difficult to navigate those feelings.
How to Deal with It:
Attachment-based jealousy often benefits from conversations about emotional needs and reassurances.
Understanding that your partner’s emotional connections can coexist with your own can be reassuring.
If you’re finding attachment-based jealousy difficult to manage, it might be helpful to explore attachment theory or work with a therapist to process and address these deeper fears.
Talking openly about your vulnerabilities and ensuring that your emotional needs are met can foster security in your relationship.
Conclusion: Navigating Jealousy in ENM Relationships
Jealousy is an inevitable part of being human, but when managed well, it doesn’t have to be a roadblock to healthy relationships.
In ethical non-monogamy, understanding the different types of jealousy, how they arise, and how to handle them is crucial to building trust and communication.
Instead of trying to avoid jealousy altogether, embracing it as an opportunity for growth, self-reflection, and open dialogue can strengthen your relationships and your emotional well-being.
By acknowledging the emotional complexities involved and creating space for open, honest conversations, you can navigate jealousy in a way that honors your feelings, your partner’s feelings, and your relationship’s needs.
FAQ on Types of Jealousy in ENM Relationships
Is jealousy always a bad thing in ENM relationships?
Jealousy is a natural emotion that can arise in any relationship, including ENM ones. It’s not inherently bad, but how you manage and address it is what matters most. Acknowledging jealousy and exploring its roots can lead to personal growth and stronger communication with your partner(s).
How can I prevent jealousy from affecting my ENM relationships?
Preventing jealousy requires open communication, setting clear boundaries, and fostering trust. Regular check-ins with your partner(s) and discussing your feelings, needs, and expectations can help create a safe and secure environment. Additionally, focusing on self-awareness and addressing insecurities can reduce the impact of jealousy.
How do I know if jealousy is a sign of a deeper issue in my relationship?
If jealousy is consistently causing distress or leading to unhealthy behaviors (such as controlling actions, emotional manipulation, or constant conflict), it may signal that there are deeper issues at play, such as insecurity, trust issues, or unmet emotional needs. Talking openly with your partner(s) or seeking guidance from a therapist can help uncover these underlying concerns.
Can jealousy in ENM relationships be a sign that the dynamic isn’t working?
Not necessarily. Jealousy can be a normal response to new dynamics or shifting emotional landscapes. However, if jealousy feels overwhelming or persistent, it might indicate that certain boundaries need to be redefined or that there’s a need for more communication and support. It’s important to address these feelings early to ensure the relationship dynamic continues to work for everyone involved.
How can I support my partner who experiences jealousy in an ENM relationship?
Supporting a partner who feels jealous involves empathy, understanding, and patience. Listen to their feelings without judgment, acknowledge their emotions, and reassure them as needed. Discuss ways to manage jealousy together, such as adjusting boundaries or finding more ways to stay connected emotionally.
What if my partner’s jealousy feels overwhelming or controlling?
If a partner’s jealousy begins to feel overwhelming or controlling, it’s essential to have a conversation about boundaries and respect. Ensure that both of you feel heard and understood and that both partners are comfortable with the dynamics. If jealousy is leading to unhealthy behaviors, it might be helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist or counselor to work through these challenges.
How can I build more trust in my ENM relationship to reduce jealousy?
Building trust in any relationship, including ENM ones, takes time and consistent effort. Being transparent, honoring agreements, maintaining open communication, and offering reassurance can help reduce feelings of jealousy. Trust is also reinforced by showing commitment to your partner’s well-being and the health of the relationship.
