What is gender envy? In the world of identity, relationships, and self-expression, we often find new ways to articulate emotions and concepts that we’ve experienced but didn’t yet have the words for.
One such term that’s gaining traction, especially in inclusive and reflective communities, is gender envy.
This term is especially relevant to those of us embracing the ethical non-monogamy (ENM) lifestyle, where exploration and authenticity are celebrated.
But what exactly is gender envy, and why does it matter?
Let’s unpack this concept together.
Key Takeaways
- Gender envy is the longing or admiration you feel when someone’s gender presentation resonates deeply with your sense of self.
- In the ENM lifestyle, gender envy can be a tool for self-expression, helping you better understand your identity and relationships.
- Embrace gender envy as an opportunity for self-discovery, experimentation, and celebration of individuality.
What is Gender Envy?
At its core, gender envy is the feeling of admiration or longing when you see someone whose gender presentation, expression, or energy resonates deeply with you.
It’s not limited to how someone looks or dresses—it’s about their essence.
Their confidence.
Their authenticity.
For instance:
You might see someone embodying an androgynous aesthetic so naturally and think, That’s who I aspire to be.
Or you might feel drawn to someone whose masculinity or femininity is so aligned and powerful that it stirs something inside you.
But here’s the key: gender envy is not about wanting to become that person.
It’s not necessarily about romantic or sexual attraction either.
It’s a more personal recognition—a feeling that their way of expressing gender mirrors something you’re seeking or wish to embody yourself.
These moments often serve as subtle, powerful nudges toward greater self-discovery and understanding of your authentic self.
For some, gender envy is a fleeting thought.
For others, it’s a transformative realization that can redefine their relationship with their gender identity and presentation.
Why Gender Envy Matters in ENM
In the ethical non-monogamy lifestyle, self-awareness and personal growth are essential pillars.
These same values make the ENM community a fertile ground for exploring concepts like gender envy.
Here’s how the two intersect:
Freedom to Explore
The ENM lifestyle offers a profound freedom to question and step away from societal norms.
This freedom isn’t just about relationships—it often opens the door to reevaluating other parts of ourselves, including our gender identity.
In a space where self-expression is valued, gender envy becomes a natural part of the journey.
It might reveal a longing to explore a new facet of yourself, like trying out more gender-neutral styles, experimenting with different pronouns, or embracing a vibe you’ve never felt free to pursue.
This is the beauty of ENM—it’s not just about breaking relationship molds but also about fostering an environment where you can grow into your most authentic self.
Understanding Attraction
In ENM, we often talk about the many dimensions of attraction: romantic, sexual, intellectual, and even emotional.
Gender envy adds another unique layer to this conversation.
Sometimes, the longing you feel toward someone’s gender presentation isn’t about wanting to be with them—it’s about wanting to be like them.
Recognizing this distinction can deepen your understanding of yourself and your relationships.
It can help you unpack what inspires you and what your attractions say about your evolving identity.
This awareness can lead to more authentic connections and richer conversations with your partners.
Celebrating Individuality
One of the joys of the ENM lifestyle is its emphasis on individuality and diversity.
We celebrate different relationship structures, communication styles, and now, gender expressions.
Gender envy reminds us that there’s no one way to express gender, just as there’s no one way to structure love or partnerships.
It’s a chance to embrace the unique beauty we see in others while also reflecting on how we want to show up as our true selves.
How to Navigate Gender Envy
If you’ve experienced gender envy, know that it’s not just a fleeting emotion—it’s a valuable opportunity for growth and self-discovery.
This feeling often serves as a mirror, reflecting parts of yourself you may not have fully explored or embraced yet.
By leaning into this experience, you can uncover new layers of your identity and step closer to your authentic self.
Here’s how you can thoughtfully navigate these feelings:
Get Curious About Yourself
When you feel the pangs of gender envy, take a moment to pause and reflect.
Ask yourself, What is this telling me?
Is it the way they carry themselves with confidence?
Is it their unique style that catches your eye?
Or perhaps it’s their energy—their aura—that seems to light up the room and resonate with something deep within you.
Gender envy often holds a deeper message, pointing toward aspects of your identity that are yearning for expression.
Dive deeper into why this particular person’s gender presentation resonates with you.
What is it about their energy or style that feels so aligned with who you want to be?
Sometimes, the answer is simple: you might admire their androgyny, their boldness, or their quiet elegance.
Other times, the answer may be more complex, tied to your own journey of gender exploration or self-discovery.
Journaling can be an incredibly powerful tool during this process.
When you put your feelings into words, you give them shape and clarity.
This practice can help you uncover insights you didn’t even know were there, and it creates a space for you to map out the next steps in your journey.
Experiment With Your Expression
Gender envy doesn’t have to remain just a thought or a fleeting feeling—it can be a call to action.
Take inspiration from the people who spark that envy in you and use it as a springboard to explore your own gender expression.
Start small:
Try incorporating elements of their style into your wardrobe.
If their confidence resonates with you, practice embodying that energy in your daily life.
If their androgynous look intrigues you, experiment with gender-neutral clothing, hairstyles, or accessories.
You could even try out different pronouns or adopt new ways of introducing yourself to see what feels right.
These experiments don’t have to be permanent—they’re an opportunity to explore and play.
Through these small, deliberate steps, you may discover a sense of freedom and alignment that you didn’t know was possible.
Over time, these experiments can lead to significant transformations, helping you build a gender presentation that feels authentically you.
Communicate With Your Partners
In the ENM lifestyle, communication is the bedrock of every connection.
So, why not extend that principle to your journey of gender exploration?
Share your experiences of gender envy with your partners.
Let them know how these feelings are helping you grow and what you’re learning about yourself.
You might say, “I’ve been reflecting on how inspired I feel by this person’s energy or style, and it’s making me think about my own gender presentation.”
This kind of open dialogue fosters deeper intimacy and mutual understanding.
It invites your partners into your world, creating space for shared exploration and support.
Who knows?
Your journey might inspire them to reflect on their own identity or spark meaningful conversations about self-expression within your relationship.
This transparency strengthens trust and helps build a foundation where everyone feels free to explore their authentic selves.
Join Supportive Communities
One of the most beautiful aspects of both the ENM and LGBTQ+ communities is the emphasis on individuality and mutual support.
These spaces are often deeply intertwined, making them perfect for those exploring gender identity and expression.
Joining a supportive community can be transformative.
Connect with people who’ve walked a similar path and are open to sharing their stories.
You’ll find validation, encouragement, and inspiration from individuals who value authenticity and self-expression.
Look for online forums, social media groups, or local meetups that center around gender exploration or ENM.
These spaces can provide a safe environment for asking questions, sharing your experiences, and gaining insight from others.
Through these connections, you’ll discover that you’re not alone in your journey—and that there’s a vibrant, welcoming community ready to uplift you.
Final Thoughts
Gender envy is not something to fear or dismiss.
It’s a powerful tool for growth, helping us align more closely with our authentic selves.
In the ENM lifestyle, where freedom, self-awareness, and intentionality thrive, gender envy can be a gateway to deeper self-discovery and richer connections.
Remember, it’s not about comparing yourself to others or feeling inadequate.
It’s about recognizing the spark they ignite within you and using it to fuel your own journey.
So, the next time you feel a twinge of envy, embrace it.
Let it guide you toward the most empowered, authentic version of yourself.
FAQ on Gender Envy
Can gender envy impact my relationships in ENM?
Yes, it can influence your self-esteem or how you relate to your partners.
If left unaddressed, it might lead to feelings of insecurity.
However, approaching it with open communication, can deepen intimacy, build mutual understanding, and foster personal growth.
How do I know if I’m experiencing gender envy or simple admiration?
Admiration often feels more detached, like appreciating someone’s style or energy.
Gender envy, on the other hand, tends to feel deeply personal and sparks self-reflection.
It’s a sign you might want to explore aspects of your own identity or self-expression.
Is gender envy limited to people of the same gender identity as me?
No, it’s not.
You might feel gender envy toward someone with a different gender identity whose expression resonates with you.
It’s less about labels and more about discovering untapped dimensions of your self-expression.
How does gender envy fit into the ENM community’s emphasis on individuality?
ENM celebrates authenticity, and gender envy fits right into this value system.
Exploring these feelings helps you connect more deeply with your true self, which aligns with the personal growth and openness at the heart of ENM.
Can gender envy intersect with jealousy in ENM?
Yes, especially if it’s tied to a metamour whose presentation or energy inspires envy.
It can blur into feelings of competition or insecurity, but reflecting on the origins of these emotions and discussing them openly can help manage them constructively.
Is gender envy a sign that I need to change my gender identity?
Not necessarily.
Gender envy might simply indicate a desire to expand how you express yourself without changing your identity.
It’s an opportunity for exploration rather than a definitive sign of change.
How can I balance exploring gender envy with respecting my existing commitments in ENM?
It’s important to communicate with your partners about your journey.
Reassure them that your exploration is about personal growth and not a reflection of your relationship.
Find a balance between self-discovery and nurturing your existing commitments.
Can I experience gender envy even if I feel secure in my gender identity?
Yes, you can.
Gender envy often inspires new ways to express yourself, even if you feel confident in your identity.
It’s about broadening your sense of self rather than questioning it.
How do I talk about gender envy with my metamours or other partners in ENM?
Be open and frame the conversation as admiration rather than comparison.
Let them know you’re inspired by their expression and reflect on how it’s helping you explore your own identity.
This can strengthen mutual respect and understanding.
Are there resources for exploring gender envy in the ENM community?
Yes, you can find ENM forums, queer-friendly groups, and online spaces discussing gender exploration.
Books, podcasts, and workshops focusing on gender diversity and self-expression are also excellent resources.
