Why Do I Feel Like Everything’s My Fault?

Why Am I Blaming Myself for Everything?

1. Self-Blame and Guilt

Self-blame is an emotional response where you hold yourself accountable for situations or outcomes that are often beyond your control.

This happens in Ethical Non-Monogamy when you feel responsible for everything—from your partner’s emotional state to the overall success of your relationships.

Cognitive Distortions:

Cognitive distortions are thought patterns that reinforce negative emotions and create unrealistic perspectives.

Some common cognitive distortions that might contribute to self-blame in ENM include:

• All-or-Nothing Thinking: This is when you view a situation as either a complete success or a total failure. For example, if a partner expresses dissatisfaction, you might think, “I’ve failed completely,” even if the issue is only one small aspect of your relationship.
  
  
• Overgeneralizing: If something goes wrong in one relationship, you may assume it means your entire approach to ENM is flawed, even if the issue is isolated or circumstantial.
  
  
• Personalization: This occurs when you take responsibility for things that are not your fault. For example, if a partner feels neglected because of their own issues, you might still blame yourself for not doing enough to prevent their feelings.

Perceived Responsibility:

In ENM, there can be a tendency to over-assume responsibility.

You might feel like you’re accountable for your partners’ happiness or the smooth functioning of each relationship.

But this perspective can be draining and unrealistic.

It’s important to recognize that everyone in your relationship dynamic is responsible for their own emotions and actions, and you are not the sole caretaker of everyone’s well-being.

2. Guilt vs. Shame

Understanding the difference between guilt and shame is crucial to managing your feelings of self-blame.

• Guilt is an emotion that arises when you feel bad about an action you’ve taken or a mistake you’ve made. It’s often a constructive emotion, helping you reflect on your actions and guiding you to make amends or avoid repeating the same behavior.
  
  
• Shame, on the other hand, is a more destructive feeling. It’s a pervasive sense that something is inherently wrong with you as a person. Shame can make you feel that you are not enough or that you are fundamentally flawed. In ENM, where you may already feel societal pressure to fit into a non-normative relationship structure, shame can be especially painful and isolating.

Tip: Recognize when you’re feeling guilt (specific to an action) versus shame (an overall judgment of yourself).

When you feel guilt, you can take steps to address the issue.

But if you’re feeling shame, it’s important to challenge the underlying belief that you’re inherently flawed.

How Self-Blame Impacts ENM Relationships

Self-blame doesn’t just affect your mental health; it can also interfere with the dynamics of your ENM relationships. Here’s how:

Excessive Apologizing

When you blame yourself, you might feel compelled to apologize for things outside of your control.

This constant apologizing can make you feel like you’re not deserving of the love or respect you seek, potentially diminishing your self-worth over time.

Over-apologizing can also create unnecessary tension in your relationships, as partners may feel burdened by your self-criticism.

Tip: Practice the “No Apology Rule.” Only apologize when you have genuinely done something wrong. When you find yourself over-apologizing, pause and ask yourself, “What am I apologizing for, and is it really my responsibility?”

Difficulty Setting Boundaries

If you feel like you’re responsible for everyone’s happiness, it becomes harder to assert your own boundaries.

You might constantly say “yes” to everything, even when it comes at the cost of your own well-being.

This can lead to burnout and resentment.

Tip: Start small in setting boundaries. For example, practice saying “no” in low-stakes situations, and gradually work your way up to more challenging ones. Setting clear, honest boundaries helps prevent resentment from building.

Withdrawing from Connection

If you’re consumed by self-blame, you may avoid difficult conversations or withdraw from partners out of fear that you’ve already failed them.

This can lead to emotional distance and a sense of loneliness, even within ENM relationships where communication is key.

Tip: When you feel like withdrawing, remind yourself that confronting difficult conversations can help you grow and strengthen your relationships. Acknowledge your feelings but lean into discomfort to foster a deeper connection.

Emotional Effects of Self-Blame

1. Anxiety and ENM: Self-blame often fuels anxiety because you’re constantly worried about making mistakes or upsetting your partners. In ENM, where there’s a heightened need for open and honest communication, this anxiety can become overwhelming. You might find yourself overthinking interactions or fearing rejection due to imagined failures.

Tip: Practice mindfulness or grounding techniques to manage anxiety. Take deep breaths, and focus on the present moment rather than worrying about past actions or future outcomes.

2. Depression and Self-Blame: Prolonged self-blame can contribute to depression. If you start feeling that you’re inherently not good enough or are failing at your relationships, it can diminish your sense of self-worth and lead to feelings of helplessness.

Tip: If you’re noticing patterns of self-blame contributing to depression, try journaling or talking to someone who understands your experiences. Writing down your thoughts can help you gain perspective on what is truly within your control versus what is outside of it.

How Social Media and Expectations Shape Self-Blame

Social media often presents idealized images of relationships that can exacerbate feelings of self-blame in ENM.

Whether it’s curated posts showing happy monogamous couples or perfect-looking polyamorous relationships, these images can make you feel like you’re not measuring up.

Tip: Limit social media consumption or follow accounts that promote authentic, diverse representations of relationships. Remind yourself that social media is not an accurate reflection of reality.

Society’s Expectations of Relationships:

Society still largely upholds monogamous, heteronormative ideals, and stepping outside of this mold can invite criticism or judgment.

When you’re navigating ENM, you may internalize societal expectations and feel like you’re doing something wrong. This can lead to a cycle of self-blame.

Tip: Surround yourself with people and communities who support your relationship choices. Practice affirmations that remind you that your relationship structure is valid, regardless of societal norms.

How Self-Blame Affects Self-Perception and Self-Worth

Self-blame can significantly impact how you view yourself, leading to a distorted self-image.

You might view yourself as “flawed” or “incompetent” if things aren’t going perfectly in your relationships.

This can create feelings of perfectionism and self-criticism.

Tip: Work on embracing imperfection. Nobody is perfect, and relationships—whether monogamous or non-monogamous—require ongoing effort and growth. Celebrate your progress, not just the outcomes.

Strategies to Overcome Self-Blame

1. Cultivate Self-Compassion: Instead of criticizing yourself, practice treating yourself with kindness and understanding. A helpful way to do this is to ask yourself, “Would I talk to my best friend like this?” When you engage with yourself as you would with someone you love, it helps reduce unnecessary self-blame.

Tip: Try mindfulness meditation or loving-kindness meditation. These practices help you develop a sense of compassion towards yourself and others.

2. Recognize What You Can and Can’t Control: Focus on what is within your control—your actions, your communication, and your choices. Recognize that you cannot control how others feel, and you are not responsible for their emotional well-being.

Tip: When you start feeling overwhelmed by responsibility, pause and ask yourself: “What part of this situation is mine to own, and what part is theirs?”

3. Challenge Self-Critical Thoughts: When self-blame creeps in, challenge it. Ask yourself whether your thoughts are fair, true, or constructive. If the answer is no, reframe your perspective.

Tip: Keep a thought journal where you track instances of self-blame and actively write alternative, more balanced perspectives.

4. Build Supportive Connections: Seek out others who understand the unique challenges of ENM relationships. Having a support system can help you feel seen, heard, and less alone in your journey.

Tip: Join online forums or local groups that cater to non-monogamous individuals. Sharing your experiences with like-minded people can provide validation and reduce the isolation of self-blame.

When to Seek Professional Help

If self-blame is significantly affecting your mental health or relationships, it might be time to seek help from a therapist.

A mental health professional, especially one familiar with non-monogamy, can provide tailored strategies to address these issues, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which is effective in challenging and changing negative thought patterns.

Tip: If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of guilt and self-blame, consider seeking therapy. It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to ask for help in navigating complex emotional experiences.